Week 16 Picks. Reindeer Games.
- Trade The Cardinals Staff Collaboration
- Dec 21, 2022
- 11 min read
Updated: Dec 26, 2022
You know Murray and Plummer and Palmer and Warner
Skelton and Leinart and Kolb and Rosen But do you recall
The most famous quarterback of all?
McSorley the Red-Nosed Quarterback
Had a very tiny arm
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it blows
All of the other quarterbacks
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor McSorley
Join in any quarterback games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Bidwell came to say "McSorley, with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my team tonight?" Jonah Coronado's Picks:
Buccaneers at Cardinals
Under 39.5
Santa is coming to Glendale and he's bringing a mountain of coal for this naughty franchise. Trace McSorley is starting at quarterback for the Cardinals. Trace McSorley? This is like a six-year old opening their first present from under the tree and finding socks. This is like your mom or wife or girlfriend making you wear stupid matching Christmas pajamas. You don't have to like this and you don't have to stand for this. Don't watch this garbage game if you have something better to do. Spend time with your family doing anything else. Don't make your family watch this game. That is a gift in itself. And this is not just hating on the Cardinals either. The Buccaneers are also an infuriating team to watch. The Bucs stink. Tom Brady will likely be pissy and sulking most of the game and still in the end pull out a victory, such has most of his games gone over his 22 years in the league.
Bengals at Patriots Bengals -3
This Patriots team is gross. Might be the grossest team in the league. They are that nasty bean dish you see in the cafeteria. You wince and look away and move on down the hot line. The Bengals meanwhile are hitting their stride at the end of the season. Their defense plays well in the second half and the Pats offense is nothing special. And then there’s Joe Burrow and his receivers. Joe Burrow and company should be able to win by three. The only way the Pats win this game is by getting a lot of pressure on Joe Burrow with their solid front and keeping it a low score. If you don’t think the Bengals cover, I point you take the under of 41.5. But I love the Bengals here. I also have hated the Pats since I was a child. I will be a happy boy to see the Bengals eliminate the Pats from the playoffs if they win here.
Seahawks at Chiefs
Seahawks +10, or, Over 48.5
Too many points against a Chiefs defense that isn’t great and the Seahawks have enough offense to cover ten points. Pete Carroll is a good coach so I expect him to rally Seattle to put up a good fight. This all comes down to Geno Smith though. If you are of the mind that Geno is trash and always have been trash and his hot start is a fluke I am fine with that. I wont fault you. But I think the Seahawks have a lot to play for, have enough talent on offense, and are led by a solid coaching staff. If you don’t love the Hawks, then I suggest the over. The over is 48.5 The Seahawks defense is bad. The Chiefs are surely capable of dropping 30+ and I think the Seahawks can cover the rest of it. I think one of these bets will hit. Not a terrible parlay either.
Eagles at Cowboys Eagles +4.5
Gardner Minshew is likely to start but the Eagles are 13-1 and Minshew aint no scrub. The Eagles are a great football team. They’ll still be able to run the ball behind they’re offensive line and Devonta Smith and AJ Brown are also playing. Do you think the Cowboys will win by five points against this team? They have been awful against the spread the last two weeks and now they are favored, favored, against the best team in the league by 4.5. The Cowboys defense has struggled the handle the run of late and the Offense just has a knack for making stupid turnovers. Eagles should cover this line. Great teams cover. I predict the Eagles offensive lineman to arrive the game dressed as giant Elves or some other holiday shit and run over the Cowboys like motherfucking reindeer.
Bills at Bears over 40.5
Bills have a great offense. Bears defense is not good. Justin Fields is really fast. Should be able to hit the points here. Bills are playing for the #1 seed and Justin Fields is capable of moving the chains. This is a fun over to root for.
Texans at Titans. Derrick Henry. Derrick Henry and the Titans are playing the Texans this week. It is never a bad idea to just bet any and all Derrick Henry prop bets when he plays the Texans. Derrick Henry HATES the Texans. He’s rushed for over 200 yards the past four times playing the Texans. Stop and think about that. 200+ yards four straight times against the Texans. That is what we call bullying on the playground, dear friends. That is just mean.
Santa's Cookie Count
Over 29,500
Santa is thickkk and Mrs. Claus likes that. The legend travels the whole freaking world in one night, running on sugar and cocoa, delivering presents to all of us in the name of Jesus. He's going to eat a lot of cookies, guaranteed. Merry Christmas.
Oh, McSorley the quarterback he’s a jolly happy soul With a corncob pipe and a lousy throw And two eyes made out of coal McSorley the quarterback is a fairy tale, they say He’s the starter but the Buccaneers know How he’ll crumble under pressure There must have been some magic in That old silk headband they found For when they placed it on his head He began to dance around Oh, McSorley the quarterback Was alive as he could be And the Cardinals say he could run and throw But then he threw a pass
And the children all cried
For McSorley had done it again
Denny Greens Picks:
Ravens vs Falcons: Ravens -7.5
There will be no brood parasitism in this matchup like there was in the cardinals week 4 matchup(4). Lamar is coming back and will be underestimated. Marcus Mariota faked an injury that ended his season. Desmond Ridder is now the quarterback in Atalanta now and his stat line last week was near as bad as Arizona Cardinals backup to the backup Trace McSorely’s. Finishing 13/26 for 97 yards, 0 Touchdowns, and 0 Interceptions Ridder is no threat to Lamar’s flock and the Ravens will come out ahead.
Jakobi Meyers:
Take the under on any prop bet for Jakobi Meyers. Nearly Killed in the end zone in week 13 over a garbage time touchdown, Jakobi was in concussion protocol in week 14. Returning to the field in week 15, he threw a perfect pass to Chandler Jones which led to a game winning touchdown. For the Raiders. After the game Jakobi found himself in Bill Belechicks dog house and back in concussion protocol. It is unclear if he will suit up this weekend against the Bengals but if he does you can be damn sure that Bill will not be trusting him with the ball. Easy unders.
Buccaneers vs Cardinals: Bucs -4.5
Bruce Arians revenge game on Christmas? Nothing but coal for the Cardinals. If anyone knows how to scheme to beat the Cardinals its Arians. Arians winning a Superbowl after being dumped by Bidwell's Cardinals is all the proof in the puddin , and Arians loves Christmas Day puddin. -4.5 feels like a lot but the Cardinals lost by 9 to the lowly Denver Broncos last weekend. Things are not good in Arizona right now and I look forward to seeing Bruce back in the desert buzzed off mescal in his booth with that shit eating grin as Tom Brady channels a younger, pre FTX collapse, version of himself to lead the Bucs to victory. If you can't stand to bet against the Cardinals like Denny Greens, take the under. There will be many gifts given on Sunday but a stellar Trace McSorely performance will not be one of them.
Packers VS Dolphins: Dolphins -4.5
The packers just don't have it this year. The Dolphins have spunk. No not the new popular designer drug making its rounds around Miami Beach. Something special. No not the new venereal disease making its way through Detroit. Something made of steel, grit, and sacrifice. Tua was sacrificed to the football gods by the Dolphins earlier this season, twice. And the king cometh again. -4.5 is a gift by the bookmakers. The sacrifices this team has made will carry them far into the post season and this weekends game will be a sample of what's to cometh.
The Trade The Cardinals Writers Parlay is currently +16844 at the time of this writing.
Merry Christmas to all my playas drinking Makers, Markers, and Cranberry Vodkas.
Pelosi’s Picks Part I:
“I will not seek reelection to Democratic leadership in the next Congress,” said Pelosi in the House chamber. “For me, the hour has come for a new generation to lead the Democratic caucus that I so deeply respect, and I’m grateful that so many are ready and willing to shoulder this awesome responsibility.”
That was Nancy’s official statement regarding her decision to step down from leadership. TTC was as shocked as the rest of the mainstream media political analysts that 82 year old Nancy Pelosi was actually stepping down from leadership. We decided to reach out to Nancy’s team to see if we could ask some follow up questions and to no surprise they gave us a prepared statement, however, this statement was different than the one made in the house chamber. Nancy’s aide told us over the phone that,
“As we have already told other organizations, Nancy will continue to serve her San Francisco district in the house and is looking forward to spending more time with her family. After her husbands DUI in May in which he totaled his Porsche and someone’s Jeep, Nancy realized that she may not have as much time with her husband Paul as she thought. Luckily, that did not come to fruition as he will not serve anymore time under his plea deal. Paul was only sentenced to five days in jail and the night he spent in jail the night of the crash will count as two days, two days were removed for good behavior, and the final day will be served by eight hours of community service instead of jail time.
Nancy was also very moved during the 59th anniversary of John F Kennedy’s assassination last month and thought fondly back to when she attended his inauguration as a twenty year old student. It was during these reflections that Nancy realized that something was missing from her life. Love. Not just any love. Her first love. Her true love. Her love for making picks.”
This caught our attention. Nancy? A pick maker? This could perhaps be breaking news and another Trade The Cardinals Exclusive. We had to know more so we swung for the fence and asked if Nancy’s team could provide us with some of her recent picks. They let us know that they would consult with Nancy and get back to us by the morning. True to their word the following picks were in our inbox the next morning. While they may not be football picks, we are very happy for Nancy that she is returning to her one true love, Picking Stocks.
1. Exxon Mobile- A powerhouse in the industry, Exxon mobile has already appreciated 40% since the Russian invasion. Don’t expect this to stop. The name of the game is capital preservation, and you can’t go wrong placing a bet on these guys. At the very least you outperform tech and real estate investors and at worse you lose some paper capital in the short term as you collect dividends and prosper in the long term.
2. Volodomyr Zelenskyy- Volodomyr has thrown caution to the wind like he’s shooting dice in a bowling alley with his Migos, only Zelenskyy has remained alive thus far. Zelenskyy will win the war in Ukraine and his next election in a landslide. Trust me. I helped Volodymyr get his $100 billion in funding and made sure that there was no oversight and would never be an audit. Russia’s defense budget in 2022 was $65 billion and it is only rising to $84 billion in the new year. It’s all about the Benjamin’s and the Bombs and guess what, Ukraine has far more than Russia.
Don’t believe me? Look at what he wore to the White House on 12/21/2022. We are giving Zelenskyy $100 Billion and he showed up in his childhood pajamas of Chip Hazard, the antagonist from the 1998 hit film Toy Soldiers. That is the ultimate baller move. In 2014, Obama wore a tan suit in a formal setting and it was the talk of the town for a week. Republicans couldn’t say enough about it. Now Zelenskyy shows up in his Chip Hazard PJs and all Mitch McConnell had to say about Zelenskyy was that, "Providing assistance for Ukrainians to defeat the Russians is the number one priority for the United States right now according to most Republicans. That's how we see the challenges confronting the country at the moment."
Boss.
Still don’t believe me? Heres more. The New York Times reported that in April as the conflict was continuing to escalate, the US had learned that a high ranking Russian Official was going to be making a visit to the front lines to boost Russian morale. The US had decided to withhold this information from Ukraine as they viewed a strike on General Valery Gerasimov as a severe escalation and yet the Ukrainians got wind of the movements anyways and decided to attack. “We told them not to do it,” a senior official told the American Times. “We were like, Hey that’s too much.” (1) The general reportedly escaped the strike unscathed but lost twelve men to the Ukrainian offensive.
Zelenskyy is a powerhouse right now and he will win in a landslide. Do not bet against him. Zelenskyy will cover any alt spread that the books will offer.
3. Petrobas- PBR is dictated to pay out 25% of net income as a dividend and the commodity crunch has been nothing but a gigantic windfall to PBR equity owners since the Russian invasion. Do not think I am mincing words here. Joe Biden said himself on March 26th 2022 that Vladimir Putin cannot remain in power (2) and all calls for peace have subsided. Ukraine is about to be infused with another $45 billion and this war will not end anytime soon. If you love thicc dividends on a quarterly basis, this stock is worth considering.
4. Jeni’s splendid ice cream. Have you tried this? It’s the best. I simply don’t know what I would have done if ice cream had never been invented. And Jeni’s is the best. (5)
5. Short ARK Investments- I really am not sure what Cathie Wood is smoking, but I know that it is one of the few things that we have made illegal in San Francisco. That type of delusion is a drain on resources and it will prove to be entirely ineffective through the next 5-10 years regardless of how much bullshit “analysis” they produce.Anything ARK touches you can safely avoid.
6. Global Water Resources Incorporated- GWRS is a water resource management company that owns, operates and manages water, wastewater and recycled water utilities in strategically located communities, growth areas surrounding the metropolitan areas of Phoenix and Tucson Arizona (3). Again the name of the game is capital preservation and GWRS offers a 10% dividend with a monthly distribution frequency. GWRS won’t appreciate greatly in price, if at all, but if I was an overheated reptile from Arizona like Denny Greens, I would buy some just to not feel so bad about the fact that you’re running out of water.
7. Short Japanese consumer discretionary spending. The Bank of Japan just Leroy Jenkinsed their financial system because they’re now reportedly concerned about inflation. But what kind of inflation? Consumer price inflation of course. Asset inflation may rip, benefiting asset owners per usual, but consumer discretionary spending could be slaughtered.
8. Pembina Pipeline Corporation -PBA offers a near 6% dividend paid out on a monthly basis. Every commodity producer must pay the troll toll to move their goods and PBA is able to preserve capital while paying out a decent dividend on a monthly basis. It ain’t sexy but it gets the job done.
Sources:
(4) https://www.tradethecardinals.com/post/trade-of-the-week-week-5-brood-parasitism-eagles-cuck-cards
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