TRADE OF THE WEEK: WEEK 5 Brood Parasitism: Eagles Cuck Cards

What. The. Fuck.

I am on day two three four five of attempting to publish this note but every time I sit down to write it I slide a yard short. Sorry, it happened again. The Cardinals are breaking my brain and this loss was so frustrating I haven’t been able to write about it without frisbeeing my dinner plate into the wall like a 1980’s whose wife prepared a side dish that didn’t mix well with his steroids and pain killers.

Brood Parasitisim, otherwise known as organic cuckholding, is the process where an bird (or other species) invades another bird’s nest and deposit their own eggs to be raised by the unwitting victim. This is the perfect description for what transpired at State Farm Field on Sunday.

Brood parasitism is the perfect description for the events that transpired Sunday not because the Cardinals are CUCKS, but because the Eagles have deposited their eggs in our nest. That’s right. The home team was supposed to have the narrow victory. The home team was supposed to have the young, athletic, face of the franchise quarterback rush for two touchdowns and not turn the ball over. It was supposed to be the home team whose centimillionaire quarterback sprinkled passes with finsess like salt BAE dusting a steak. None of these things happened. It was the Eagles who commanded the entire game and the Eagles whose quarterback impressed with all the above. Now Phoenix will suffer the consequences as we lose a generation of young Kyler Murray fans who saw a quarterback best Kyler at all the things that they used to love the Cardinals QB for. Our eggs in the nest have been nudged out of the tree and are currently falling to shatter on the ground. In their place lie eggs speckled with green and it Hurts. Children are impressionable and easily pick up new ideas. When they see a quarterback who is like Kyler Murray in every way, but better, they will move on to the new shiny toy like Andy moving on to a buzz light year action figure in toy story.

Aside from the serious hit to the 10 year revenue expectations caused by Kyler’s cuck, there is much more to say about this week’s game but we have to start with the ending of the game.

The Cardinals are THE worst coached team in the NFL that no one seems to be talking about. Kliff, Kyler, and Keim all signed contract extensions in the offseason and then seemingly started planning their retirement. There were several bad decisions made on that series of plays and it all goes back to coaching. For starters, Kyler Murray rushing on 2nd and 10 and proceeding to slide a yard short of the first down. Kyler had a blocker in front and could have redirected outside and picked up the first down and then some which would have moved the Cardinals into a a range of higher success for the replacement kicker. There was plenty of time left on the clock and taking an extra 3-5 seconds to get the first down and shortening the game tying field goal would have been the best outcome from that play. The Cardinals then would have had time to move the ball further or take shots at the endzone to win the game. The next fuck up on that play was spiking it on 3rd and 1. Kliff said after the game that they decided to clock it because they thought they got the first down. Kliff professing ignorance when we pay him millions of dollars to know what the fuck is going on and make good decisions is truly peak cardinals. He looked upset on the field after the play so perhaps he was covering for his childish quarterback. The Cardinals could have tried to run a play to move the ball closer for the FG or get a first down and take an endzone pass or two depending how much time is left. Hell at the very least we could have run a play to center the ball so our replacement kicker could simply aim straight. Instead, the Cardinals clocked the ball and forced their replacement kicker to attempt a 43-yard FG when he claims a pathetic 22% accuracy from 40+ yards. The third mistake, which is debatable) was even attempting the field goal from that range knowing the kicker has significant struggles from that distance. This is something that Kliff has to know and be prepared for. The Eagles even called a timeout which gave Kliff a little longer to consider not trusting his lowly replacement kicker.

Sadly, it was during this timeout that I knew the game was lost. The broadcasters started talking about our replacement kicker’s struggles from 40+ yards and how he struggled badly in pregame and missed a lot of his warmups by pushing kicks to the right. This was not my first Cardinals game, so I knew it was over for us in that moment. Sure enough, the replacement kicker pushed it to the right and the Eagles got the ball back with 17 seconds left on the clock.

Steve Keim was a better general manager when he was drinking.

We managed the clock so poorly that we gave the ball back to the Eagles with 17 seconds left on the clock.

Let’s review the third drive of the second half and the final Arizona drive of the game:

First play Murray runs and DIVES headfirst beyond the first down. Zach Ertz completes 7 yard out to stop the clock. The Cardinals false start and move it back to 2nd and 8. Then Murray misses a wide-open Zach Ertz for what would have been 25 yards in the air. Then a 3rd and 8 first down pass to Ertz with clock running. Then a short pass to Moore who gets out of bounds with 52 seconds left. Next Murray completes pass to Brown for a first down with clock still running. The Cardinals then spike the ball to stop the clock and set up the infamous 2nd and 10 run.

If Kyler Murray had done on that infamous 2nd and 10 run what he did on the first play of the drive, we would have avoided that situation. If Kyler Murray hadn’t sailed Ertz on a wide open 25-yard play, we would have avoided that situation. If Kyler Murray had performed at the level that we are paying him to perform at then we would have won that game.

On a positive note, our short king surpassed his height in ypa for the second time this season averaging 6 yards per attempt. This is a slight regression from the week prior when he averaged 6.5ypa but it is a positive sign nonetheless that Kyler threw above his 5’ 10” for the second time this season as he is now 2/5 in this statistic for the season. Sadly, Kyler Murray is only on pace to throw 20 touchdowns this season which would be the least amount thrown by Kyler since his rookie season. The other bright spot this week was the Cardinals defense successfully managing the only remaining undefeated team in the NFL and gave the offense a living chance to come back at the end.

Trades of the week: Kliff Kingsbury

It is time to bring back coaches trades. There is a rich history of coaches trades in sports and in the infamous 2022 bear market I suggest that history be made as the cardinals engage in a coaches trade. In a perfect world we could trade the entire KKK from the organization and ship Kyler, Kliff, and Keim off in either a package deal or a multi-team deal. However, we will never be lucky enough for Keim to be traded. No, that is not the fate for Arizona sports fans. No, the luckiest the Cardinals will get is if Steve Keim starts drinking again and brings in talented assets like Bruce Arians and veteran quarterback Carson Palmer. For those who have forgotten, Steve Keim was arrested in 2018 on an extreme DUI after getting pulled over in Chandler and blowing a .193. Now, some say that 2018 was not Keim’s year and maybe his drinking was a little excessive which led him to somehow force out Bruce Arians and hire Steve Wilkes, draft Josh Rosen, and stressed-out Bill Bidwell so much that he passed shortly after the season was over. Okay, 2018 was definitely not Keim’s year but up until that point Keim seemed to be taking the cardinals in the right direction which is exactly why Keim would be a great asset in another struggling franchise like the RedskinsCommanders or Jaguars. In fact, I think the Redskins Commanders would be the perfect team for Keim and Kliff.

Honorable mention trade: Onion Bread- Who the fuck would serve a pulled pork sandwich on onion bread? 3/10. Do not do this to your guests.

Highlight of the week: Deandre Hopkins once again showed up on Sunday and proved to be a valuable member of the team, leading from the sideline while he is on PTO. Most workers don’t bother to check their email when they are on PTO let alone show up to the office in street clothes and show support for their coworkers. Deandre Hopkins is proving that he is built