Trade of Week 15- The KKK Era Is Thankfully Over: Trade Trace McSorely

There is no other way to say this. Yes I have said this several times before and I honestly feel that I will be saying that for years to come. This is your father’s Cardinals and his father’s before him. Nothing has changed. Bad QB play. Seemingly Incompetent Management. Bidwells cutting corners and pinching pennies like a homeless beggar who wades in the fountain at Scottsdale Fashion Center collecting all the coins before Dirty Mike n The Bois roll through.

Kliff and Keim getting 5 year extensions before the season reminds me of a middle aged couple who have already had bad fights and talks of divorce but have decided to stick it out until the kids are in college. They hate their current arrangement and don’t make eye contact when they see each other in the mornings. But they’re in it for the kids. Yes what about the children? Already a silent open marriage, they’ve been chatting with other significant others for years, “Yeah once Kyler is gone off to play football for his next team were gonna separate. Yeah I know! I know I keep saying that. I know that, but I promise I am going to leave him for you one day”.

And now where is Keim now? Gone. Rehab maybe. Wine Country hopefully. Although the feeling is not mutual, I do wish Keim the best. Personal health issues are really nothing to joke about. Until the issue has resided that is. The vague description of Keim’s indefinite leave of absence that “had been developing for weeks”(1) but was announced the same day that the Kugler filed a request for arbitration leaves an enormous amount of room for speculation. Some fun, most depressing and off-putting. As a betting man, (Check out our 1-800-Gambling section for picks and other discussions) my money would be spread across the following scenarios in this order and in varying amounts

I. Keim fired Kugler without interviewing him and skipped a couple of steps in the process of dismissal. The grievance is raised and the Bidwell’s stick by their long time GM who just signed a 5 year extension and refuse to deal with Kugler. Kugler lawyers up and given the high profile of the NFL, the legal team invests resources in their investigation. Lo and behold they find a persistent practice of illegal hiring and firing methods. It is also possible that the Cardinals conducted their own internal investigation of these practices after hearing the grievance by Kugler and determine that Keim has to distance himself from the Team once the request for arbitration was filed by Kugler’s legal team.

II. Keim was so loaded that night before the game that when het got that 3:30am call from hotel management and saw the security tape that he thought he was watching himself. “Shit, I can’t have a repeat of Toledo 1994” he likely swore under his breath as he realized he had to fire his doppelgänger.

III. Keim was the groper. When he got that 7am call from hotel management viciously hungover and saw the security camera footage of his blackout mistake he knew he would have to go down with the ship like any decent pirate would. He devised a plan over several shots of espresso as he attempted to overcome his violent hangover. He would have to fire his doppelgänger. Right now this is the current leading theory of our intern who is in Mexico City heading the investigation of The “Cup n Cut” The Curious Case of Kugler and Keim. If you haven’t read it yet it is eye opening and can be found here (https://www.tradethecardinals.com/post/ttc-exclusive-the-cup-n-cut-the-curious-case-of-kugler-and-keim)

IV. There are loads of men who are fat, bald, and have goatees. Many such men attend football games. The groper was one of them and unaffiliated with the Cardinals. Probably a 49ers fan. Sounds like something a 49ers fan would do.

V. It was a 49ers fan sabotaging the Cardinals.

Enough of Keim. Moving on to Kliff. I can’t help but think there has been some odd sense of satisfaction emanating from Kliff after Keim’s indefinite leave of absence. Kliff had this to say when asked about Keim’s leave of absence on 12/16/2022, “I have a great appreciation for Steve and always will,” Kingsbury said. “(Adrian Wilson) and (Quentin Harris), it’s been the same. We’ve had a great relationship since they’ve been here and we all want to do what’s best for this organization. It’ll be good communication moving forward with us three.” Disappointed for him, just knowing the appreciation I have for him and him giving me this opportunity and the love and respect that I’ll always have for him, it’s not easy,” the head coach added (1).

Disappointed for him? The writing is on the wall. Kliff is a hot bachelor. They both want to see other people and you can tell he Kliff can’t wait to get the fuck out of this relationship. What about the kids? Fuck them kids. Keim is gone. Now is the time to make the clean break. The kids would rather be playing Call of Duty anyways. They don’t care about their parents during this age. Kyler is essentially going through his preteen years in the NFL. Doesn’t give a shit what his parents want and doesn’t even shower when he gets home from practice. He throws on that headset and starts gaming, procrastinating on his film study homework. “Fuck them kids? Nah fuck them adults” he might have said after getting his study clause removed from his contract and signing on for $160m guaranteed. This is Kyler’s team now and we only hope that when he returns from his ACL tear and repair that he realizes the curtain is closing on him and he may only have one act left to bring the Cardinals their first NFL Championship. Until then, fuck them kids.

Just because the Son has come

Jesus, wont you fucking whistle

Something but the past is done?

Jesus, won’t you fucking whistle

Something but the past is done?

Why can’t we not be sobad?

I just want to start this season over

Why can’t we drink forever?

I just want to start this season over

Cardinals will work to elevate you

Just enough to bring you down

Mother Mary, won’t you whisper

Something but the past is done?

Mother Mary won’t you whisper

Something but the past is done?

Why can’t we not be sobad?

I just want to start this season over

Why can’t we be on bye week forever?

I just want to start this season over

Honorable mention for Trade of Week 15: Kliff Kingsbury. Daddy is gone on an indefinite leave of absence and Mommy wants to have some fun with the neighbor. Go ahead and trade ‘em. Let ‘em go fuck the housewife next door, god knows he’s been eyeing her the second he saw her in that blouse at the open house. “You’re telling me I can enter this loveless but profitable marriage with the Cardinals and still go FUCK the Raiders franchise when I’m done? Where do I sign?”

Trade Kliff. It is time.

Week 15 in Denver Colorado and the air was filled with Marten Milk Kush and Duplicitous Elway’s devious desires. The Arizona Cardinals have never won in Denver. And they never will! These are your father’s Cardinals and his Father’s before him. Until that changes, we will remain secret rivals with the Denver Broncos stadium and will never win in Elway’s Arena of Deception. Yet in addition to the Marten Milk Kush and the duplicitous desires there was something else in the air in Denver in week 15. Hope. Hope, Yes We Can. Yes we can beat the Denver Broncos in Denver. “A starter for a Starter makes the whole game suck” – Denny Greens. Yes I had hope the Cardinals could beat the Broncos at home but at what cost? Brett Rypien had less passing yards than the Broncos had rushing yards and he still led the Broncos to a 24-15 victory over the Red Birds. And the Cardinals nest of Quarterbacks? Colt McCoy was knocked out of the game with a head injury and finished 13/21 with 78 yards, 1 interception, and 2 sacks. His replacement? Fucking Trace McSorely. McSorely’s Stat line? 7/15 for 95 yards with 2 interceptions and 1 sack. McSorely is like your family’s step brother that can’t quite stop fucking up and is a bad influence on the rest of the children. Yes, what about the Children? Get him the fuck out of there. My nomination for Trade of the Week is Trace McSorely. Trace is going to make Kyler think that level of play is tolerable. It’s not. Send him to some franchise in the mideast that can tolerate that kind of play. The Titans come to mind. The Panthers are next. My expectations for the backup to the backup are so low that I only expect him to not throw it directly to the opposing team. And that is exactly what he did. Both of his interceptions were direct passes to the Broncos defenders.

The only bright spot on this game was the performance of the Defense. The Cardinals had 7 sacks led by JJ Swatt with 3 and one each from Trysten Hill, Markus Golden, Myjai Sanders, and Johnathon ‘Bedwetter’ Ledbetter. Buddha Baker also had a fantastic redzone interception. What else is there to say folks? These are your fathers’ Cardinals.

(1) https://arizonasports.com/story/3431456/cardinals-kliff-kingsbury-disappointed-for-gm-steve-keim-its-not-easy/