Reporting Live From The Gutter: Snakes Almost Win Big and Cardinals Win Big in Loss

Reporting live from the gutter, what a start and end to our seasons it has been. No I am not referring to the Phoenix Mercury’s disastrous season finishing dead last in a league that is less competitive than the special Olympics. Hand up, that was uncalled for. The special Olympics is a fantastic event that should be celebrated around the world. The WNBA? Not so much. The season was so bad that the TTC staff turned down an offer of a press pass for this last season once we saw what was in store for our ladies. At some point we will provide coverage for the WNBA as our late friend Perry was a huge enthusiast and was pushing us to cover it this season but ultimately the Suns Gorilla was unconvinced and we had to go with the his Banana filled gut at the end of the day.

Oh how the Suns Gorilla misses Perry. The bond they had was, as they say, bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S, and unlike Gwen Stefani the Suns Gorilla would do anything to have Perry Hollaback girl-illa one last time.

Fuck. We all miss Perry so much. The fear and joy that Perry brought to our lives was unrivaled and his shoes will never be filled. RIP Perry, we will never forget you and all the wonderful times we shared together.

Back to men’s sports. It has been a whirlwind of excitement these last few weeks over at TTC and only now do I feel like I have the post nut clarity to put words to paper. The World Series. Can you believe it? The Snakes made it all the way to the world series in a season where our win total was projected to be 76 games and Madison Bumgarner was our supposed number two pitcher. A hard fought 162 games during which Madbum was DFA’d, Zach Davies was released, Carson Kelly released, the sheriff traded, longtime snake Nick Ahmed released, Josh Rojas traded, Paul Sewald acquired, Tommy Pham acquired, and so many more transactions. The Dbacks made more moves this season than Hugh Heffner and Perry that time they nearly overdosed on Viagra at the Playboy Mansion.

Christian Walker and Gabriel Moreno both won Gold Gloves, Corbin Carroll will win Rookie of the Year, Ketel Marte set a playoff record hitting streak, and Zac Gallen, Lourdes Gurriel Jr, Geraldo Perdomo, and Corbin Carroll were all All-Stars. 13% of all of the Dbacks players who have ever been an All-star were an All-Star in 2023.

The World Series. Unbelievable. Maybe I haven’t experienced the full post nut clarity as I now find myself having a hard time finding the words to describe how unbelievable this season was and how great this post season run was. Another cream pie in the village inn parking lot may be needed in order to go full post nut clarity but only time will tell as this rambling sure feels like serotonin is still lingering in the brain like water lingering in New Orleans after Katrina.

Perry was torn after Katrina. His favorite trap house was there never to reappear after that disaster. More on this later.

I am still digesting this season but at the very least it was incredible.

Onto the Cardinals. What a beautiful disaster this season is turning out to be. Hand up, I was worried that the tank was in jeopardy there for a second as the red birds were covering games to start the season and even embarrassed the Cowboys in our only win of the season. But coming off another big loss that saw the red birds only net offensive 58 yards while giving up 7 sacks and 2 interceptions after trading away our passtronaut Joshua Dobbs, the tank is in full effect, and I am here for it. It would be hard to imagine the Cardinals allow our short king to come back this season as they can preserve his health and trade value by keeping him on the bench. But stranger things have happened. In some ways I feel bad for Kyler. Drafted in the first round in two sports by arguably the worst franchises in both sports. Regardless, our short king will probably stay on the bench for if he returns, he may be playing for his job as the Cardinals could draft Caleb Williams first overall and move on from the short king. Sure another QB desperate team will gladly sign the short king if he gets released but who wants to lose their job? In this economy? Ya right. Inflation is a bitch and Guac is damn near unaffordable at Chipotle these days.

Lastly, Michael Bidwell. What a piece of work this guy is. ESPN recently blasted the disgraced owner, again, in a new article which can be found here. It seems that the NFL and media are Dan Snydering Bidwell and if the gods are good we may have a new wealthy owner willing to buy the team and turn this ship around. Rich schmucks aren’t easily lovable to be sure, but they are a lot more lovable when they buy and invest in a franchise and enable it to be competitive.

TTC’s spotlight team has been working on a story for some time regarding the ownership of the Arizona Cardinals and we are proud to announce that the report will be released in the coming weeks as soon as we hear back from the intern. More on this soon.

RIP Perry. You will be missed dearly. Friends in life and in death you will never be forgotten.