Tank Watch Rankings Week 9 - The One Where We Lost A Friend

The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster. The Diamondbacks toppled the Phillies to win the National League Pennant and suddenly I found himself tailgating in an Arlington parking lot at the World Series. The D-backs had just beat the Rangers and tied the series 1-1 and we were headed back to the valley. The October magic was soaring higher and higher as we lit our cigars and cracked our beers in victory. And then I got the text. Our friend, Perry, dead at the age of 54. It's all been a shocking mess and fall since. The D-back magic disappeared and the Rangers took the next three as we here at TTC were left to comprehend the loss of Perry. There are few events in our national life that unite Americans and so touch the hearts of all of us as the passing of a man such as Perry. There is nothing that adds shock to our sadness as the loss of a friend. Perry, a great and good actor, a friend of all men of good will, a believer in the dignity and equality of all human beings, a fighter for justice, an apostle of peace, has been snatched from our midst.

The loss has surely hit our colleague Denny Greens the most. It was Denny that first introduced me to Perry 2 AM at a Dennys after a night out in Old Town. We all instantly clicked, us motely crue of souls. I was but a shitty day trader and a part-time chaperone for the National Spelling Bee Tour. And here was Perry, the coolest guy from 1999. And yet, Perry bonded with us. Was our friendship with Perry founded on the right reasons? That's a complicated question and answer. No doubt Perry brought the wild and dark side out of us. But he was our friend. This website could not have happened without Perry, one of our initial (and biggest) investors.

I'll never forget the time Perry took us all up to Las Vegas. High on bennies we set out at midnight in his black Yukon with the goal to catch the Bellagio Fountain at sunrise. What a ride. Gracey, Perry, Denny, and I, flying through the dark desert with Perry blasting his collection of Third Eye Blind. The sleek and spellbinding lyrics of Stephan Jenkins passing through our ears as we rode the snake North through the Mojave constellations to the infamous City of Sin.

Perry never gloated on his glory days but was rather always in the moment, lost in the music you could say. The only time he ever mentioned anything of his famous past was the moment we passed over the Hoover Dam and pointed out to Denny where he smooched up Latina legend Salma Hayek in some 90s rom-com movie that hardly any one remembers. "I think I watched that in my hotel during a road trip in Pittsburgh," Gracey chuckled. "I loved that one." Perry smirked and Denny looked on amazed, the guy who smooched his biggest boy-hood crush now beside him and taking him to Vegas. What a trip. Thousands made at the tables and parties in the Bellagio that would make rock-stars ashamed. And that sunrise, oh that sunrise. Perry, thank you for all you have done for us. You have brought joy to us, and to the whole world as well. Rest in peace, friend.

"Every glamourous sunrise Throws the planets out of line

A star sign out of whack, a fraudulent zodiac

And the God of Wine is crouched down in my room

You let me down, I said it, now I'm going down

And you're not even around..."

- Stephan Jenkins

2023 NFL Tank Watch for the 2024 NFL Draft

Week 9 rankings

1. Arizona Cardinals (1-7) (Prior Ranking - 5)

*Owns the Houston Texans (3-4) 1st round pick

Back on top baby! The Cards have lost five games in a row, four by 10-or-more points. The Cards are who we thought they were, really bad. It is strange though. The Cards are a bad football team, yes, but they never look terrible. They're no longer covering spreads as much, but they do hang around games and are able to move the ball on offense and generate some plays on defense. This might be the best worst team of all time. There hasn't been a game where they've been absolutely trounced or totally embarrassed. The guys keep fighting so credit to Jon G I suppose.

I don't know what to make of this team. Josh Dobbs got shipped to the Vikings at the trade deadline and now we have rookie Clayton Tune starting against the ferocious Browns defense on the road in Cleveland. I expect another loss, and perhaps the offense finally spirals out of control with Clayton Tune at the helm. Kyler Murray has been hinted at returning soon but he's been gone so long now and the season so miserable and lost I am not sure anyone cares. Us sickos are fully on tank watch and the last few weeks have been great for the Cards in that endeavor. If Kyler comes back, how good do we want him to be? Probably good enough for him to boost his trade value, but if he's that good, we might lose our top pick status. Ay, there's the rub. If Hamlet was a Cards fan he would have definitely killed himself way before his Uncle Claudius showed up and killed his dad and married his mom.

2. Chicago Bears (2-6) (Prior Ranking - 1) *Owns the Carolina Panthers (1-6) 1st round pick

The Bears got another win against the hapless Raiders and the Panthers also picked up their first win against the Texans. The Bears are starting some guy named Tyson Bagent at quarterback. Who? Exactly. I got no clue. You would think they're fully in tank mode reading that news but then they just traded a 2024 second round pick for Washington D-lineman Montez Sweat at the trade deadline. Sweat is a good player so I suppose they try to sign him to a new deal but what the hell are the Bears doing? A second round pick? The Bears have so many needs and are so trash it's perplexing they made such a trade. I can only imagine Sweat stays with the crappy Bears if the Bears totally overpay him to. Not sure why the guy would want to stay with another bad franchise though after being stuck with Washington for four years already. The Bears are a dumb franchise and this tank race is very likely coming down to them or the Cards for top pick.

3. New York Giants (2-6) (Prior Ranking - 4)

Tommy Devito was a great balloon maker but then they outlawed all balloons and now he's playing quarterback for the New York Giants. Daniel Jones? I don't even know where he's at. Last I heard he was being lobotomized somewhere in Hoboken. The Giants actually almost beat the Bills with Tyrod Taylor on the road, and followed up that with a win against Washington, but then they went and really blew away their game at home against the Jets that they should have won. What an awful game that was. Really any game where Zach Wilson wins is an awful game to watch from a purely aesthetic point of view.

End of the day, the Giants are 2-6 and have a guy named Tommy Devito playing quarterback for them. Tommy Devito, the name of Joe Pesci's character who got whacked in Goodfellas. It's bad for the G-Men, real bad.

4. New England Patriots (2-6) (Prior Ranking - 3)

Bill Belichick and the Pats somehow beat the Bills at home but they still have Mac Jones at QB and tons of mediocre talent on offense. This team needs to fully rebuild and Belichick should not be a part of that. Bob Kraft needs to move on. The Pats are regressing from last season. Raiders owner Mark Davis saw a similar pattern with his team, and what did he do, fire his coach and general manager. Speaking of...

5. Las Vegas Raiders (3-5) (Prior Ranking - 7)

Round of applause for owner Mark Davis for ridding his proud Raiders franchise of all the Patriots cast-offs he mistakenly brought in. Josh McDaniels was a bad head coach and his offense was terrible. Him and his patsy general manager Ziegler were always terrible fits for the Raiders. Will be interested to see how the Raiders respond now. Last time their coach was fired mid-season, they made it to the playoffs. Hard to predict where they end up from here.

6. Green Bay Packers (2-5) (Prior Ranking - Unranked)

Oh Jordan Love. The Packers offense stinks and Love could be a bust if he doesn't get things back on track. Packers fans must be terrified to see their team in this spot. They have been spoiled by 30 years of Favre and Rodgers and are now subject to what the rest of us have had to deal with. If the Packers don't improve, they could really start rising up these rankings in the upcoming months.

7. Washington Redskins Commanders (3-5) (Prior Ranking - 9)

Ron Rivera might be the most lame-duck head coach in history. The Commanders were sellers at the trade deadline and it's clear their new owner Josh Harris will start overhauling this franchise once he gets a full offseason to do so.

8. Denver Broncos (3-5) (Prior Ranking - 2)

Great win for the Broncos in finally beating Mahomes and the Chiefs. It was the worst the Chiefs have probably ever looked under Mahomes. Russell Wilson isn't terrible, at least his stats are not. And Sean Payton, he was always a good coach before. If this team keeps progressing, they could drop out of these rankings in a few weeks and just be another middling 7-10, 8-9 team by year end with the schedule that's ahead of them, which besides the road game at Buffalo, is not that daunting.

9. Los Angeles Rams (3-4) (Prior Rankings - Unranked)

Is Matthew Stafford hurt or not? How much does Aaron Donald want to continue to play after this year? How many running backs does Sean McVay secretly hate? At this point with the Rams, I see them rocking the Cards for another win but after that I really don't know. They just got destroyed by the Cowboys, skull-dragged from the jump. I suppose they could make a run for a seventh-seed playoff spot with the roster they have, but they always seem on the verge of collapsing that I keep taking them on and off these rankings.

10. Minnesota Vikings (4-4) (Prior Ranking - 6)

RIP Kirk Cousins' Achilles. But good news, Vikings fans, Josh Dobbs is now on your team! It seems the Vikings want to contend for a playoff spot with Dobbs, but I mean, do they really though? Do they? Dobbs has shown with the Cards that he can keep an offense respectable enough to watch but still lose games and keep the tank rolling. Perhaps that's all the Vikings want at this point, to be the Cards of the North for the rest of the year and find their next quarterback in the draft.

Teams that have fallen out of the rankings.

New York Jets (4-3)