Tank Watch Rankings Week 6 - Dodgers Rocked

Before we get to the trash of the NFL, the darlings of the MLB. Ladies and gents, your ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS. The Diamondbacks have just swept the evil empire that is the Los Angeles Dodgers in the NLDS. No one gave them a chance either. I surely didn't expect it.

These blasted Dodgers have been thumping the Dbacks for a decade-plus. Countless blowout losses in LA where you read the final score in defeat and familiar grimacing anguish. Miserable home games where Dodgers fans crawl out of the valley like blue cockroaches and swarm Chase field. Quick games where the Dodgers come in and their pitchers make chopped liver out of the Dbacks hitters while their own hitters run a train of hits upon us and all the while we sit there and wonder where the heck did all these awful Dodgers come from? As if there's some deep hole out west of Buckeye in the desert where they all come from and for several days of the year ride in and pillage us hapless Dbacks fans and scramble our brains in some ritualistic punishment the Gods have seemingly handed down to us. But that's all washed away. "I've been redeemed. The preacher done warshed away all my sins and transgressions!"

The demons in blue have been expelled. Shout it from the mountain, baby. Clayton Kershaw, ambushed and punched in the mouth. Mookie Betts and Freddie Freeman, smacked so hard and fast they don't know what hit them. The Dodgers were not just beaten, they were dominated. The whole world is laughing at these Dodgers. The Dodgers are softer than Charmin. My cat, my very own puss, has more fight than these Dodgers. For all the wins they've racked up, all they got is a covid championship, a virus victory for a vile regime. Chase Field was turned into a home run derby Wednesday night as the Dbacks won 4-2 and swept the Dodgers out of October. The party is finally winding down. Gracey is passed out drunk in the pool and Denny Greens is sitting pool-side smoking a big blue blunt making sure he's alright. The celebration has been amazing. Vee Quiva has never seen a party like this before.

We haven't seen a team like this in a long time. Corbin Carroll, dog. Katel Marte, a motherfucker. Gabriel Moreno, legend. Christian Walker, stud. Salvatore Anthony Lovullo, king. The list goes on. The Dbacks are on a deep postseason run, something we haven't seen since 2007. Enjoy the ride, folks. We don't get success like this often here.

As for the Cardinals, well, I hate to pop the celebration here, but the Cardinals still suck and Michael Bidwill is as bad as we feared as outlined in a scathing article published by the biased Athletic. You can read the article here. I won't get into it all. Not sure it's enough for Bidwill to sell the team, but it's a start in that direction. Bob Sarver got booted from the Suns, and so did Daniel Snyder from the Redskins Commanders so who knows. We got our intern following up on the details with Denny Greens supervising. We hope to have a more unbiased investigation and analysis of all the findings for you dear readers soon.

My updated tank watch rankings are below and what I'll tease you with here is that this tank race is getting spicy. After the week 5 results I have realized this is a much closer race with more teams than I expected.

2023 NFL Tank Watch for the 2024 NFL Draft

Week 6 rankings

1. Chicago Bears (1-4) (Prior Ranking - 1) *Owns the Carolina Panthers (0-5) 1st round pick

The Bears got a nice win on Thursday Night Football against the sorry Redskins Commanders. Justin Fields is looking better, having throwing 8 tds and 600+ yards over his last two games. The Bears are still not a good team but they seem to be improving and have a very manageable schedule ahead of them. The Panthers on the other hand, the Panthers stink. I really want to root for our secret rival Panthers to continue to lose games but they got to get things turned around in Carolina. The Frank Reich and Bryce Young era has started off terribly and I don't see any positive signs. The Panthers are a bad football team, the only winless team left in the NFL. The Bears are going to stay atop these rankings till the Panthers start looking better.

2. Denver Broncos (1-4) (Prior Ranking - 2) "He was born in the summer of his 27th year

Coming home to a place he'd never been before

He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again

You might say he found a key for every door" - RIP John Denver

Denver won the week 4 toilet bowl against the Bears but were unable to take home the inaugural Nat Hackett bowl in week 5 losing to the Jets 31-21. In a sloppy game with four hilarious fumbles, the Jets crashed Denver's hope for a turnaround from taking off. Sean Payton looked super mad at Russell Wilson after Russ fumbled away the ball at the end of the game and you wonder if there's any future between these two. The Broncos have a short week as they will play the Chiefs on Thursday Night in the Reliant Recovery Water Bowl presented by Amazon as Russell Wilson and the fellas try to recover quickly against the Swifties and Patrick Mahomes. Mahomes is 11-0 against the Broncos. Prediction? More pain for Broncos fans.

In other news, the trade machine has also spun into work up in Denver, a clear sign of impending tanking. The Broncos have traded away linebacker Randy Gregory and are looking to trade fellow linebacker Frank Clark as well. The tank in this team's belly is starting to really fire up and the only hope in smothering that fire is if Russell Wilson becomes born again in the fall of his 34th year and gets back to the summer of his 27th year and hauls the Legion of Boom defense with him into the future to replace this sorry Broncos defense. The chances of all that happening are impossible but that shouldn't stop him from trying for, 'Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes."' (Mark 9:23).

3. New England Patriots (1-4) (Prior Ranking - 6)

"There is a house down in New Orleans. They call the Rising Sun.

And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy.

And God I know I'm one." - The Animals

The Pats got blacked out by New Orleans in an unprecedented thrashing at home, losing 34-0 to the Saints, this following the 38-3 loss to the Cowboys the week before. The reputation of Bill Belichick is spiraling. New England is in full on panic mode. We have to move this team up the rankings. They are terrible. Their top defensive players have been lost to injury and now they really don't have anything to hang their hat on. On offense Mac Jones is a nut tapping, ankle rolling, bust. They can't keep having him play. They need to get rid of him and go with anyone else if they want to turn their season around. Bill says Mac is still the starter but Bill is still stuck in the past. The Return of the Mack is not happening, Bill! Bill, why are you sending all these people checks? Bill, your checking account is fine, you just didn't account for your groceries last week in your check book. Bill, you really should just go online and use the app instead. Bill, please just get an iPhone. Bill, you really shouldn't live alone and you really should get a general manager because you clearly can't construct a roster anymore your Patriots team is atrocious. We love ya, Bill, but it's time. It just never was going to be the same after Tommy left.

4. New York Giants (1-4) (Prior Ranking - 8)

Daniel Jones has been getting so hit so hard this season that he was found roaming Central Park on Monday looking for his sister by the carousel. A pimp also reported Jones stumbling into a room with his bottom bitch before Jones realized where he was and scattered away where local authorities found him arguing with a young man on a train. The man is lost, folks, but the Giants o-line are doing him no favors. And now they all get to go play a pissed-off Buffalo team and get slaughtered before America in prime-time on Sunday Night Football. It's been a disaster for the Giants this year. I completely undervalued how bad they were before and am shooting them up the rankings. After the Buffalo game, their schedule does get easier, but maybe not, they still have to play the Eagles twice.

5. Arizona Cardinals (1-4) (Prior Ranking - 3)

The feisty Cards were looking good again this past Sunday. Late in the second quarter they made a goal-line stop against the Bengals to keep a 14-10 lead but then Josh Dobbs threw a pick-six and the defense got gashed through the air in the second half. Meanwhile Joe Burrow went up to Sedona and got himself rejuvenated in the Spiritual Vortex for he came out unlike the limp dick Joe we've seen so far this year but rather the Joe Cool that's gone to back-to-back AFC Championships. It also didn't help the Cards that Jamaar Chase was wide the fuck open . Also James Conner got hurt and is now on the IR. That's real bad news but not surprising with how much he's been used in games by Jon G. With Josh Dobbs regressing back towards the ugly mean of the Josh Dobbs Competency Line and Conner being out, it might get ugly for this Cards offense. The Cards go on a road trip against the Rams and Seahawks the next two weeks. The tank marches on for us sickos.

6. Minnesota Vikings (1-4) (Prior Ranking - 9)

The Vikings lost to the Chiefs at home 27-20 and All-Pro receiver Justin Jefferson is going on the IR. It's rough in Minnesota right now. The Vikings stink and the Twins just got bounced from the playoffs from the Astros. Kirk Cousins will sorely miss Jefferson while he's out for the next month. Kirk is not a guy that can carry an offense. They have a huge game next week at Chicago. If they can't beat this Bears team, the Vikings might go full tank because the following week they have the Forty-Niners and will be looking at 1-6. Cousin's free agency looms over this franchise like a winter cloud. Do they shack up with their Cousins (gross) or look for greener pastures out in the draft?

7. Las Vegas Raiders (2-3) (Prior Ranking - 4)

The Raiders won on Monday Night Football against the Packers 17-13 no thanks to Josh McDaniels who opted to kick a 50 yard field goal on 4th-and-1 in Packers territory instead of going for it on fourth down to run out the clock. Thankfully the Raiders have Maxx Crosby rushing the passer and Jordan Love stinks with pressure in his face. Love threw three interceptions in that game. The game was won by the defense. Next week McDaniels has his old boss Bill visiting with the Patriots coming to town. Huge game for both teams.

8. New York Jets (2-3) (Prior Ranking - 5)

Congrats to the winners of the inaugural Nat Hackett Bowl. The Jets got their mojo back beating the Broncos and although Zach Wilson is still not good he hasn't been terrible the last two weeks. Breece Hall is also a very good running back. The Jets reward? They get to host the undefeated Eagles at home in week six. Yikes.

9. Washington Redskins Commanders (2-3) (Prior Ranking - Unranked)

The Redskins Commanders lost to the dreadful Chicago Bears at home in prime-time. An awful loss for a franchise that is trying to crawl its way out of the embarrassing mediocrity that the Daniel Snyder era left behind. The Redskins Commanders got diced up by Justin Fields and were down 27-3 at halftime. Very bad, very bad indeed. And head coach Ron Rivera. Riverboat Ron is old and he doesn't even gamble anymore. He's no fun, his best days behind him. Ron always looks grumpy, sad, or confused, like most of the old white guy politicians out in Washington do these days. I suspect like Speaker McCarthy that Riverboat Ron will also be ousted in Washington.

Teams that have fallen out of the rankings.

New Orleans Saints (3-2)

Los Angeles Rams (2-3)