Trade Of The Week: Week 11 Cardinals Search For Keys Amidst Collapse

There is nothing to say about the Arizona Cardinals that hasn’t already been said. And yes, we have already said this once before during our sorry 2022 campaign. And when I say campaign I am not referring to the new Call Of Duty campaign in which Kyler Murray has been posting personal bests day after day (Shoutout K Dubs). Kyler’s ability to traverse multiple sports has not been seen since the likes of Deion Sanders. I would not be surprised to learn that Kyler becomes the first two sport athlete where one sport is professional gaming. Okay, okay, settle down folks. I can already hear the dissenters internally and externally. I will concede that the question of the whether Video Games are considered professional sports is still up in there air, however, the debate is far from settled. Sure, some will say that gaming is not a sport because a sport required physical exertion and moving your fingers does not count, but what this specific brand of haters fails to recognize is that the caloric deficit experienced during these professional matches is actually greater than that experienced in many professional sports. In fact, professional gaming has an average caloric deficit greater than professional Bowling, professional Cornhole, professional Fishing, professional Billiards, professional Darts, professional Drone Racing, and professional Horseshoes. In fact, the only low effort sports that have a higher average caloric deficit than gaming is professional Poker, professional Chess, and professional Hot Dog Eating (post competition purging is in accordance with official measurement guidelines I am told by our editor). So, until the debate is settled, the potential for Kyler to change history by becoming the first two sport athlete in football and gaming remains. More to come on this as we will put the question to Kyler Murray during his next Trade The Cardinals exclusive interview.

Kyler’s ability to lead the team from the sidelines is truly astounding. Kyler is 1-1 as a sideline shot caller and we have yet to determine if he overperformed in his first bench appearance or if he underperformed in his second. Regardless, the Cardinals are blessed to have a quarterback like Kyler who can lead from the field, or from the Bench. Normally, I would hoist Kyler to the pedestal and highlight his performance as the trade of the week, however, after much deliberation it is with great honor that I am suggesting that Greg Dortch should be traded after his week 11 performance. Hear me out here, folks.

Pass the Dortchie with your left hand cuz boy we have a rising star on our team. Greg Dortch was the brightest feather in the Cardinals offensive wing during their 10-38 blowout loss against the San Francisco 49ers, and it wasn’t his first time either. Unfortunately, all Birds molt and the Cardinals molt more frequently than others species we compete against. As such, I think it would be prudent if we passed the Dortchie with the left hand because he is on fire right now and this type of flame in the desert is unsustainable. Far too often the Cardinals do not trade their short term dazzling feathers for others and we are left with a basic plume.

When the Cardinals trade young talent that flash with brilliance we come out on the other end of the trade as winners and the wiser fools. Take for instance the Deandre Hopkins trade. The Cardinals traded away David Johnson (a little late for my personal taste) but when we did, we received the best wide receiver in the game. And where is David Johnson now? He was just signed to the saints practice squad where he will be receiving passes from Taysom Hill for the remainder of the season. If he’s lucky. Here's another example for you, Josh Rosen. Now, The Red Birds could have traded Chosen Rosen for a bucket of balls, a pack of bazooka bubblegum gum, and a JUGS pitching machine and it still would have come out as a net positive trade and yet we got a 2019 second round draft pick and a 2020 fifth round pick. Trades create value. And that was a better trade than any meme stock trade in 2020-2021, talk about deepfuckingvalue.

Listen, I would love to break down this trade of the week further but I’m in a bit of a pinch right now. You see, I traveled to Mexico city to attend the shit kicking that was served to us Birds fans on a tortilla platter, unfortunately, I made the trip with the big booty latina vixen I have been seeing the last few weeks. Listen, I know I said Denny Greens is gettin too old to be messin with them crazy bitches, but Denny Greens loves messin with the crazy bitches. I can hardly help myself, Yessica is a very smart and successful woman and she speaks three languages so I thought she would be the perfect companion for the trip as Spanish is her native tongue. It turns out I was more wrong on this prediction then I was on the cardinals +10 spread on Monday night. Yes, I did bet both and yes I did lose big because of both.

Fortune favors the bold, Crypto favors the brave, and the cartels favor lead, what are you gonna do? I really should have anticipated how well connected she is. More on that later. Another failure of mine was underestimating her willingness to abandon me down there and leave me to my wits and a shoddy translation app.

Yessica is a bit of a hot head. Known to carry a bottle of mescal with her 24/7, she becomes a loose cannon when the sun goes down. And that cannon is loaded and primed, ready to fuck someone’s skull should they try to cross her. Being somewhat of a pyromaniac myself, I cant help but light the fuse and see if I can put it out from time to time. But lighting that fuse is not how I find myself in my current predicament in Qatar. I really don’t have much more time to write this before the next match starts and I have to go afk. Hunter is really paranoid about laptops these days. I’ll do my best to recount the story or at least fill you in on how I got here as quickly as possible and If you don’t hear from me after this, continue betting Iran and Saudi Arabia to cover their matches. Praise Allah the world cup is back and keep your eyes posted for future World cup coverage.

Not one for spontaneity, Yessica loves planning things. And when things don’t go as planned there is usually hell to pay. Anyone can be collateral damage. So when she said that she would be getting the Cardinals tickets and the plane tickets down to Mexico City I was flooded with relief. The less decisions I make the less this could blow up in my face later. I knew better than to try to make a whole weekend out of the trip so I insisted on flying down the day of the game and reluctantly she agreed. The charter was set and it would be smooth sailing so long as the mescal kept flowing and nothing went awry.

The day of the game an identical version of the black Mercedes Yessica drives was waiting in her front yard to take us to the airport. While I loaded the bags in the trunk Yessica said hola to the driver and they began conversing in Spanish. Joining Yessica in the backseat of the Mercedes I saw that the driver was wearing a Frank Gore jersey. Unbelievable. 49ers fans are everywhere these days I thought to myself as we pulled out for the final time and I reached into Yessica’s bag for some mescal. Before long I began wondering where we were headed. Mesa Gateway airport? We were headed east so it was either going to be Mesa Gateway or another smaller airport in the area. It was only a three hour flight from Phoenix where I was based during the week filming our Trade The Cardinals interview exclusive with up and coming coach, Sean Kugler. If you haven’t heard the name before you will soon. Perhaps an honorable trade of the week mention, Sean Kugler has boosted our offense this year as our offensive line coach and running game coordinator and has also done great work with the hands team. While it would sadden me to lose Kugler, I think we could benefit tremendously from trading him. More on this three part series later.

Before I knew it we were turning off onto an all too familiar dirt road with a tarmac in sight… I looked over to Yessica who smiled back at me and grabbed my neck and said, “I am excited for you to meet my family, Papí” and sensually started kissing my ear.

Yessica is a wild lady and this is just part of the ride.

I don’t know if any of these men were her actual relatives but as we approached I saw a collection of 49ers jerseys so I presumed there was some familial relation. I took another drink of mescal.

We were the last passengers to board the plane and the only passengers wearing any Cardinals attire. Waiting for us with bottles of Mescal and Dos Equis already flowing, half a dozen 49er fans wearing Jerseys from the 1994 Championship team were drinking joyously while Selena quietly played in the background. I counted two Deion Sanders, one Steve Young, one Jerry Rice, and surprisingly two William Floyd jerseys. With 6 touchdowns from the fullback position as a rookie it was great to see fans embrace all those years ago and to see that they still appreciated him this much in 2022 was moving. It gave me hope. Maybe someday, somewhere, decades from now there would be a group of analysts still celebrating Trade The Cardinals the same way these 49er fans still celebrated Floyd’s early career successes. “Okay this could be a fun flight” I thought to myself as a stewardess offered a tray of drinks for my choosing.

Trapped in an aluminum missile 10,000 meters in the sky while traveling at a rate of 800 kilometers an hour with my dangerous vixen and her family of 49er fans who decided to mostly speak in spanish was an incredible experience. A handful of drinks and hours of Latin music later we had touched down in Mexico and I could feel my brain humming as new synapses began forming and generating new connections that were previously unavailable.

Hola, bienvenido a la Ciudad de Mexico.

When the cabin doors opened and the stairs folded out onto the runway I thought I was in paraíso. I had never seen a jungle so dense and rich with color before and I am certain that this spot was the inspiration for Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park. No, not any of the ridiculous remakes. The original Jurassic Park. I am not sure how the plane had navigated this hidden runway and I was looking forward to seeing how the pilot would take off, but I would never get the chance.

Mexico City is a wonderful place to visit and an awful place to lose your phone. After getting robbed during a 2016 church trip in Mexico in I learned a thing or to. Whoever said you can’t can’t teach an old dog new tricks never tried teaching Denny Greens how to avoid getting your iPhone stolen by desesperados after a night of salsa dancing with beautiful women (Maria call me!). Denny Greens travel tip: Bring a second phone to use as a decoy. iPod touches will also work and are easier on the budget. Walkie Talkies will also pass depending on where in the world you are going.

Sure enough within the first half mile of walking from our resort to the football game, two mopeds pulled up on Yessica and I. Brandishing their extendo mags and rapidly speaking Spanish to us, I froze. Having been in a sticky situation like that before, I nonchalantly put my hands up and said in english, “I only have a phone and some dollars” and slowly started reaching for my decoys. When my hand had reached my Ipod touch and rolled up dollar bill in my pocket, Yessica looked at me and nodded. I didn’t like that nod because I know that Yessica is always packing more heat than a hot pocket. I never broke eye contact with one of our robbers and had only seen the nod from my peripheral vision, but after noticing a Tesla model X pull out from down the street I realized that she was not nodding to me. She was nodding to the car parked down the street which jolted awake with life and pulled out of its parking spot heading south towards our location.

Gaining speed, I realized that Tesla was about to do something that would never happen in the US. The would be attackers never saw it coming. I offered the old crusty Ipod touch to the tattooed robber on the left as the robber on the right was already tumbling over the model X which had left as quickly and as quietly as it came. Man those things are fast. Before the spinning man hit the floor his accomplice was already facing forward and hitting the gas on his moped. I looked over at Yessica and my stomach just about fell out my ass. She had pulled a Bond Arms Barn Roughneck 45 auto (acp) 2.5 in stainless steel pistol out of her bra and was pointing it in the middle of the remaining assailants back. Why she was carrying a 2.5 inch 45 I have no idea, but this wasn’t the first time I had seen this and somehow I was still speechless given the events that transpired. Man those teslas are quiet. Like a white blood cell clearing out viruses in the veins of Mexico City the Tesla blew through its opposition and left to go provide protection elsewhere. Did the tires even make a noise? Who was in that car? Was that Selena playing on the radio? Man, those things are really quiet. Just as my brain was finishing receiving the information that had transpired it heard, “Jodidamente increíble. Voy a matar a ese hijo de puta. Pero primero... ¿Papi? ¿Puedes inclinarme sobre un barril y mostrarme los cincuenta estados?” And like that the 45 was slipped back between side boob and bra and Yessica was stepping over the would be attacker and reaching for my hand once again

Something about this vixen.

Never before has Denny Greens made eye contact with someone and known that its on. We walked another two blocks before slipping into an alley and taking a brief intermission. After that we were back on our way to the game. I never felt the 45 when she placed my hands on her breasts yet it was reassuring knowing that it was there. Somehow, security either didn’t find it or paid no attention to it when they were patting us down entering the game.

Inside the game was amazing. At first. We got cheap cervezas and limes on the side and went to our seats. The packed stadium was filled with 49er fans and we were almost the only Cardinals fans in our section. True to fashion, Yessica wanted close seats so we found ourselves in the last two empty seats, 17 rows from the sidelines watching our brave squad leader Kyler Murray lead us from the sidelines while he battles his hamstring injury. Kyler Murray truly is an honorable trade of the week in week 11 due to his dedication and drive on the sidelines. I appreciate the little things in a players performance and Kyler showed amazing poise on the bench this weekend. Nonetheless, after the 49ers scored their fifth touchdown Yessica said she was going to go settle a bet with someone. I knew that she had parlayed 49ers 5 touchdowns and George Kittle 2 touchdowns but she had placed that bet through Perry’s bookie. Who was she going to settle up with? She was in a great mood so I knew better than to question her and I let her walk away to settle her score. Within 30 minutes she was blowing up my phone. Uh oh. Panic. That familiar chill ran down my spine and my stomach clenched up into my rib cage.

This wasn’t going to end up well.

I eventually found her upstairs after a frustrating search which ended in a corporate booth near the rafters of the stadium. When I opened up the door to the booth I saw none other than Hunter Biden. Yes, Yessica was sitting next to Hunter Biden and across the table were two men I recognized as Martin Shkrelli and Do Kwon.

Ah shit. Speak of the devil, Do Kwon is calling me. I am out of time to finish this post. I’m still making sense of how all of this is connected as more information comes out, addicted to my news feed like a Anyone But Trump democrat is addicted to Rachel Maddow. FIFA corruption, FTX, Tom Brady, Sam Bankman-Fried, Anthony Scaramucci, and Hunter Biden’s Laptop. Actors in and out of the Overton window operating a network in the shadows of our favorite institutions; crypto casinos and professional sports. What Hunter Biden was doing in possession of the FTX private keys is still a mystery to me. But those keys stored on Hunter’s laptop are now in the possession of the FBI and there is $10,000,000,000 of customer funds missing that the public knows about. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Do Kwon put the Con in Rubicon when we crossed it earlier in the summer of 2022 after he evaporated $70 Billion from the industry in a 24 hour period when the ponzinomics his crypto projects relied on ran out of greater fools. Now it appears that this current iceberg will take down a whole lot more than just the Titanic of the crypto industry and CZ burned all the boats when he dumped $500,000,000 of FTT tokens on the spot market. More on CZ later.

Unfortunately this is where I need to leave things for the time being. There is an old saying that when you play the game of thrones you win or you die. There is no middle ground. Yet ironically, most of the game occurs in the middle ground. Which is where I currently find myself. Fixing soccer matches in Qatar with Hunter Biden and Do Kwon. What? You thought that Argentina organically lost to Saudi Arabia? There’s enough loose change laying around for you to know better. More on this later.

PS: I know it it seems like I uncharacteristically plugged a lot of advertisements and future articles. That’s because I did. Business is business and I am broke. Lost all of my Shibu Inu on FTX and even my Coachella NFT so until I can trade my way out of this mess or we recover Hunter’s private key’s we will be selling as much advertising as possible. It all goes back to that cursed child and his ruinous laptop.

If you want to advertise your brand on Trade The Cardinals please leave a comment below.

Also, after a tremendous amount of effort Trade The Cardinals staff was unable to locate Matt Rhule while in Mexico. The last we heard from Coach Rhule he was working on something big and then silence. Rhule’s next act may be his best. More on this later.