Trade of the Week Week 4: Birds Bailed Out By Below Average Baker

Narrowly falling into a 26-16 victory over the Carolina Panthers, its clear that the Cardinals need help and it’s been reported that The Cardinals are now considering all options including selling advertising in the endzones and redesigning the next time the birds are on the road. The goal is to use the increased ad revenue to fund the acquisition or trade for high flying talent where they need help such as Josh Gordon at the wide receiver position. What some are calling a savant like move, an executive at Eli Lilly has submitted the highest bid for the endzone space to advertise the new Red Dress Cialis pill and change the endzone from Red Sea Rise Up to Red Cialis Rise Up because the birds can barely get it up without extra help. The Cardinals now face a tough decision as more than 68% of the male adult population in Glendale, Arizona responded in a survey and indicated that they use Cialis and wouldn’t mind extra promotions and the chance for free samples.

Our short king has risen from the dead. Kyler Murray has finally surpassed his height in yards per attempt during the latest contest coming in at 6.5 ypa. His average on the season is still 5.72ypa but this was a great reversal of a negative trend and also great to see him come in above the league average height of 6ft 3 in (My best guestimate). The pick 6 to open the game was uglier than a Flint, Michigan strip club but the overall bounce back performance is exactly why Kyler Murray was the Trade of The Week in week 3. The Cardinals were kept out of the endzone in the first half of the game like a freshman at their first high school dance but after Ertz spiked the punchbowl in the third quarter the Cardinals got lucky two more times and finished the dance with three touchdowns. The Birds have yet to score more than three touchdowns in a game (excluding overtime) this season and the blue ball outing against the Rams last week dropped the their weekly average to 2.25 TDs per game excluding OT.

I do not think that Baker Mayfield is 6ft 1 in. I’m not saying hes a stuffer, but he could be. At the very least he lied to go up to 6ft 1 and I propose that Baker’s original lie was from 5 ft 11.5 in to 6ft and then the league boosted his stats once again. Regardless, Baker is below the league average height for QBs which is 6ft 3in and that was readily apparent as the Cardinals deflected a handful of passes and even executed a tip drill and turned one of those deflections into an interception which set the cardinals up to score a touchdown. The showdown really seemed like a battle of the short quarterbacks and the Cardinals were bailed out by Baker’s below average play and below average height.

Trade of the week: JJ Watts Cardiologist

Before the week four game against the Painthers the Cardinals overpaid veteran Defensive End JJ Swatt announced that he had a fit of afib on Thursday and got his heart shocked back into a normal rhythm by a doctor. Now I am only qualified to give legal and Medical advice in Mexico and I shouldn’t open my mouth here but I cant help myself. Maybe it’s a selfish desire to see JJ stay healthy but Watt is worth too much to the Birds defense and to potential trading partners to throw out there haphazardly without serious consideration. At this point I think the Bidwells must be purchasing State Farm insurance products on their athletes, especially after seeing the Dolphins’ contracts on Tua print $$$$ in the last two weeks. Why is my desire for JJ Swatt to stay on the field selfish you’re wondering? It’s not because the Cardinals need JJ Swatt on defense in order to be successful, it’s because I need JJ Swatt to extend his career until I can finish the screenplay I have been working on for his post NFL career. JJ deserves to hit the big screens with a concussive bang and I think I have just the screenplay to get him there. In 2003 Sony Pictures produced a thrilling action film titled Swat which was entertaining but was not based in reality. In reality, a drug lord doesn’t offer the public $100M to break him out of prison, he offers 100 Mexicans the opportunity for silver or lead and has a team of tunnel diggers slyly bust him out and I plan to bring that to the big screen.

There is another amusing side story that deserves to be highlighted in this decision of JJ Watt. Tin Foil hate tweeters are having a hayday over the afib from Swatt and claim they know for certain that his heart was damaged from the mRNA coronavirus vaccine. What these twitter trolls are ignoring is that JJ Watt has taken anabolic steroids and beaver tranquilizer for years as a professional athlete and the compounding affects of the weekly cocktail of pills has surely caused more damage to his oversized heart than a vaccine. Well at least that’s what my doctor in Mexico told me.

Kliff’s beard line has never looked thicker yet sharper. The panthers scouts were unable to read Kliff’s lips as he was calling plays this sunday as they got lost in his beard every damn time. His hair seemingly never grows and is in perfect posture like the super model valley girls Kliff sleeps with. 10/10 review for Kliffs barber.

Honorable Mention of the week: Deandre Hopkins once again stayed safe and put the long term needs of the team before his own. An asset like this would be a shame to lose but I completely understand why a team may be interested in trading for him.