Tank Watch Rankings Week 4 - Sicko Mode Fading Fast

The Cardinals are not the worst team in the NFL and I am having to reconsider what to expect and want from this team. And Josh Dobbs! A colleague told me they believed Josh Dobbs is better than Kyler Murray. And no, it wasn't Gracey from 3 AM at Vee Quiva the night the D-backs clinched a postseason berth. Nope, this was a fully California Sober Niners fan at 5 pm on a Sunday. The Texans are also not bad and rookie QB CJ Stroud is being mentioned in passing records alongside Andrew Luck and Cam Newton. The 2023 Tank is in big, big trouble. My 2023 sicko watch couldn't even make it to October without reality busting through the door and throwing away the iPad I was binging some Mukbang on. I was so ready too. I had the doors locked, the kids and wife were up north with the in-laws, a brand new laptop, and a huge new customer bonus and gift card on UberEats. But nope, my sicko watch is in big trouble.

This Cardinals team is feisty. The Cardinals held a lead in the fourth quarter of their first three games and punched the Dallas Cowboys in the mouth at home, rushing for 200+ yards against a 3-1 team who in games not played against the Cardinals have outscored their opponents 108-13. Heavy underdogs in every game they have played this year, the cover magic finally ran out in the fourth quarter against the undefeated Niners in week 4, the final score 16-35 a tad misleading to how the game was contested.

The Cards defense couldn't do anything to stop Christian McCaffrey but the offense was playing a smart game of trying to control the clock as much as possible with long 10+ plays drives that had the Cardinals trailing 16-21 entering the fourth quarter. It was clear to me that the Cards staff knew their depleted defense (five defensive players out to injury) could not stop the Niners offensive attack very well. The Cards played hard but they do not have the horses on defense to halt the Niners. The linebackers had some spurts of good moments but for the most part the Niners speed and Christian McCaffrey were always going to be too much. Jon G knew this though, hence his ballsy calls to keep the Cards offense out on the field if he could do it with a couple fourth-down attempts and a near disaster fake punt which ended up succeeding and leading to the Cards first touchdown.

Jon G fucks. He's still odd and I don't think I'd go out to the Yucca Tap Room with him to pound drinks and chat with older women, but I kind of like him so far. It is refreshing to see the Cards actually employ some smart game-by-game strategies against their opponents. With the Cowboys, the option run-game was fantastic in the sense where they targeted the near unlockable Micah Parsons into making decisions by leaving him unblocked and allowing their speed and misdirection to get around him. And again, with the Niners, doing all they can do hold onto the ball against an offense they know they couldn't hold down, chipping away with the run game and calling some well designed play-action passes. And Josh Dobbs. My lord, they made Josh Dobbs into a decent and manageable starting quarterback! I mean, that is incredible. The offensive line seems much improved too. Cards actually look physical on offense now. Gone are the Kliff days of slow developing plays of deep shots with Kyler in shotgun and scrambling around for his life. We are now seeing the big back James Conner lined up seven yards deep and running counters. I'm actually excited to see how they will use Kyler Murray in the run option game from the small examples they have shown how they are employing Josh Dobbs. Jon G has inserted some real f-juice into this team and I'm excited to see where he takes it with our bald chap Monti.

As you can tell I am kind of excited about this team long-term based on my review of the coaching staff so far. But the tank, oh the glorious tank. Imagine this smart team with a strong armed dual-threat quarterback like USC's Caleb Williams (6'1" 220 lbs) or UNC's Drake Maye (6' 4" 230 lbs). Kyler is fine, and shoot, he may actually succeed with this new regime. I love the top two QBs coming out of the draft but after consulting with my latest tank rankings it's looking bad for us Cards sickos and I think we might need to let go soon. They say after a breakup it takes two weeks for every month you were with that person to get over them. Safe to say it's going to take more than a month for me to get emotionally past the ties I had with the tank. I am trying to be sober and mature about this but as Gracey always says, emotions are a bitch.

Without further ado, the tank watch rankings as we hit the quarter point in the 2023 NFL season.

2023 NFL Tank Watch for the 2024 NFL Draft Week 5 rankings

The Clear Favorite

1. Chicago Bears (0-4)

The abysmal Bears also own the dreadful Carolina Panthers (0-4) first round pick. The Bears are a disaster. This isn't your glorious 1980's Cocaine Bears. Those days are long gone like Reagan Conservatism and what lies before you are your neutured 2023 Build-a-Bears that you got at the old dilapidated Phoenix Metrocenter in 2020 just before the Pandy finally shut it down for good and the crack heads moved in. Justin Fields is a total bust. Their coach, Matt Eberflus, horrendous, a human enema whose team is getting shit pumped. This team looks the part of a last pick team. Total bust at quarterback. Terrible coach. Lack of talent in every area. Oh, and they just lost to the 0-3 Denver Broncos who were skull dragged 70-20 the week before. Oh, and oh, they own the Carolina Panthers 2024 first round pick! Rookie quarterback Bryce Young looks overwhelmed and their coach Frank Reich doesn't inspire much confidence for winning.

The good news though is the Bears and Panthers don't have tough schedules. The NFC North and NFC South are two weak divisions and being bottom-feeders from the year before they are spared from having to play many good playoff teams from the other divisions. The NFC North and NFC South also all play each other this year, so again, these teams are not playing good teams so perhaps they can direct the ship a little and get some wins. And despite Fields and Eberfluss being as bad a combo as white-wine and chili-dogs, these two are playing and coaching for their careers. They are desperately trying to win. And so are the Panthers. There's still time left but they are no doubt on pace for miserable finishes.

Top Contenders

2. Denver Broncos (1-3)

This team barely won the week 4 toilet bowl against the Bears. I am stunned at how bad their defense is and the start they have gotten off to. Sean Payton and Russell Wilson are proven winners in the NFL. This is not expected. The Broncos don't have an easy schedule either. They still have to play the Chiefs and Chargers twice and have road games against the Bills and Lions. Aside from the 70-20 loss to the Dolphins they have been in every game so far though. Next week they play the Jets (1-3) in the Nat Hackett bowl to follow up the toilet bowl. Yeah, this is the season the Broncos are in. And the question is out there. Does offensive guru Sean Payton want to tank to get his choice of top qb in the draft and dump Russell Wilson? He certainly hasn't seemed a big fan of Russell Wilson. Is anybody a fan of Russ anymore though?

3. Arizona Cardinals (1-3)

The Cardinals are still 1-3 and there is not a ton of talent on this team. The NFC West is a tough division with proven head coaches and talented players. The Cards still have a somewhat tough schedule ahead despite having already played the Cowboys and Niners. The Cards also don't seem to care about bringing Kyler Murray back soon from injury and if and when he does comes back this season, I wouldn't expect him to be very good given the knee surgery he's returning from and the amount of playing and practice time he's missed. The Cards have the slipping and desperate reigning AFC-North champion Bengals (1-3) at home and then two tough NFC road games against the Rams (10/16) and Seahawks (10/22). We will have a lot better gauge on their tank status after that stretch run. The Cards are going to try to win, but again, they don't have the horses to keep up.

The contenders you didn't expect but have loser coaches

4. Las Vegas Raiders (1-3)

Josh McDaniels is a loser. McDaniels is neither a true Raider nor a good coach. He should have never been hired to lead the Raiders. The Raiders should never have turned to a Patriot. It's wrong, like if a Nazi defected to fight for the Soviets. His head coaching record is 18-30 (.375). At quarterback he started some Irish kid fresh off the boat from from Purdue this past week and gave up six sacks to Khalil Mack. Josh McDaniels and Aidan O'Connell. That sounds like a great recipe for the number one pick. The Raiders do have a couple studs on their roster though. Josh Jacobs and Davante Adams on offense and Maxx Crobsy on defense. Again, they have a tough schedule as well but will be trying to win.

5. New York Jets (1-3)

Robert Saleh is a loser as head coach. He's currently 12-25 (.324) as a head coach and no doubt much of that is thanks to him picking Zach Wilson as his quarterback in the 2021 draft. Zach Wilson stinks and the whole world knows it except Taylor Swift. They are cursed against the Patriots and still have to play the Dolphins twice and at Buffalo. Sure, the defense is talented, but to win you got to score more points than the other team. How long can the Jets hang on with Zach Wilson before they collapse? They play at the Broncos (1-3) in the hilariously bad Nat Hackett bowl in week 5.

6. New England Patriots (1-3)

"It ain't 2009 no more. Yeah, I know what's behind that door." RIP Mac Miller

Oh yeah, you didn't think I'd put Bill Belichick on here? This aint 2009 no more baby. Old Bill is over the hill and Mac Jones is awful. The Pats have beaten one team and that's the Jets who Bill has put some sort of weird old New England black magic curse on. They just got BLOWED OUT against the Cowboys 38-3 and still have to play the Bills twice and the Dolphins once more. The Pats have the third lowest scoring team in the NFL at 55 points. Bill hasn't had a good team since Tom Brady left. His roster (which he controls) sucks and he hasn't hired any good coaches on his staff. Bill is a smart man though. You know the sick old hoodie wants to get back to that super bowl podium again and to get there he needs to corrupt some young talent just like Emperor Palpatine did to Anakin Skywalker. If the Sith are to return, Bill will tank the Pats and get them to a high pick. Will Robert Kraft allow him to stay if that happens though? Depends how much footage Bill's got of old Kraft down at the salons in Florida. This aint time to jerk around though, Bill needs to decide how to tug this franchise out of the doldrums it's quickly approaching.

7. New Orleans Saints (2-2)

Dennis Allen is just not a good coach, plain and simple. He's got a career 17-40 (.298) record. Derek Carr was already average and now he's playing hurt and their offense hasn't looked any good. They still have a respectable defense of some sorts and it's hard to see defensive and veteran leaders like Demario Davis and Cameron Jordan letting this team fall too badly. They play the Pats in week 5 so we will see if they rise or fall in the rankings.

Surprise teams if things go south

8. New York Giants (1-3)

The Giants have only beaten the Cardinals (1-3) and it took a miracle comeback against an average defense. Saquon Barkley is hurt again and aside from the Cards game, Danny Dimes is lookin like Sloth from the Goonies again. Look at these losses: 40-o to the Cowboys, 30-12 to the Niners, 24-3 to the Seahawks. This team is currently being outscored 64-3 on it's home turf and through the first six quarters of the season started 60-0 in point differential. They did just give Danny Dimes a new contract but oh boy I am sure they are regretting that. But if there's anything a smart Wall Street New Yorker knows, it's better you write off your losses on the tax return and go invest in something better. Perhaps Brian Daboll decides to tank and go for a top pick. Daboll was coach of the year in 2022 so he's earned some leash to have a bad season and pick a new quarterback from the draft to groom from the start.

9. Minnesota Vikings (1-3)

The Vikings have been addicted to turnovers and can no longer win close games like last year. What are you going to accomplish paying Kirk Cousins $40+ million either? That's the question as Captain Kirk heads to free agency next spring. If Kirk gets hurt, do they go in for the tank? Again, a team with a bit too much talent (Justin Jefferson is worth a win or two) and they did win 13 games last year even if it was kind of fluky. I don't think their coach is necessarily bad either. Also, Kirk Cousins is an iron-man. That dad bod gets regularly rocked but the guy is Midwest cold-weather-and-hard-biscuits tough. He always gets back up and never really misses games. He is getting old though, and if something were to happen (which I don't wish for), perhaps the Vikings go for the tank.

10. Los Angeles Rams (2-2)

Matthew Stafford was seen nursing some sort of hip injury in the fourth quarter of the Colts game. The Rams are trying to win and milk everything out of Matthew Stafford and Aaron Donald. But the Rams are smart too. If Stafford gets badly hurt and Cooper Kupp remains injured, do they go for the tank and try to bring in some young star from the 2024 NFL draft? LA loves a star as we know. I don't see it happening unless injuries and strange things pile up, but I'll keep an eye on it.

Honorable Mention

Steelers (2-2)

I don't see this happening at all with Mike Tomlin. Tomlin does not tank, he's a beast. But Kenny Pickett has been bad and that Steelers offense in general has been ASS. They just got trounced by the Houston Texans. Why Tomlin sticks around with one of the worst offensive coordinators in football in Matt Canada is beyond me. Guy was bad in college and has been bad in the NFL. Is Tomlin keeping him around to secretly tank? Doubt it, but this is the Tank Watch, and we are watching.

Teams that have fallen out of the rankings.

Houston Texans (2-2)

CJ Stroud is a good rookie quarterback and have thumped the Jags and Steelers in consecutive weeks. This team is out of the tank race and firmly into the AFC south race, two races that are basically neighbors with how much the AFC South has sucked for the past several years. Basically walking over the fence is all you need to go to get out of tanking and competing for the trashy AFC South.