Sicko Mode: The 2023 State of Football Address

Football is back and so is Trade the Cardinals. Barely, I might add. What with the legal issues with our intern and our investors displeasure with the numbers coming out of our first year we have been busy this offseason scrambling to keep your favorite website operating. Denny Greens also went to rehab after a terrible slip with Matthew Perry but in fairness to Denny what saved this website was his rehab. Taking a trip to hike Mount Kilimanjaro with his rehab buddies he came across several recently retired executives of Fortune 500 companies and was able to secure the funding for this website to continue. Thank goodness Denny scored in Nairobi because Kenyan Kush saved this company. 30-plus years in the tech industry really does give a fella some serious money to pledge when he’s jonesing 19,000 feet high in the Great Rift Valley. If you are still concerned about Denny, don’t be. I am happy to share that Denny Greens is once again fully California Sober.

But Football. Football. It’s back, and we must prepare ourselves. What lies before you is my inaugural state of football address to prepare us for the 2023 season. Let’s get started.

The Cardinals:

Let’s start with quarterback which is a fugly mess with all sorts of names you do not want to see so put on your shit goggles. Kyler Murray is still recovering from his ACL and starting the year on the PUP list. Murray cannot return till week 5 at the earliest against the Bengals. So that means Colt McCoy is starting, right? Wrong. In a surprise move the Cards cut McCoy (who was getting all the first-team reps all offseason) and now we are left with the terrible option between journeyman Josh Dobbs or rookie 5th rounder Clayton Tune. Would you like pumpkin bisque or pea soup? Oh, and by the way, the cook hasn’t washed his hands since he came in late from the strip club breakfast buffet. Of course neither Tune or Dobbs are any good and then somewhere in all this is David Blough. Blough, noun; the sound of the toilet when the big shit that is the 2023 Cardinals drops in. I suppose Blough actually played most of the Card’s final preseason game so he’s likely on the 53-roster or practice squad. Dobbs, Tune, and Blough. Sounds like a law firm dedicated to family wills and farmer’s rights.

Who do we even want to start? What are we even trying to accomplish in the 2023 season? Should I even be saving money for my little shithead gremlins to go to college? These are questions that I have no strong answers to. Whomever starts at quarterback, is there enough talent on receiver do even get a passing game going with success? I saw Rondale Moore in a preseason game simply fall while running a five yard slant. Did Bidwill fix the sloppy grass from the Super Bowl or did Rondale Moore forget what it feels like to run in a real game after missing so many due to injuries? What happened to, “Explosions, Pew, Pew”, Jon G? Tripping on grass on a five year slant? Pee-Ew!

The great fear for me is that Dobbs becomes the starter. Dobbs was recently acquired for a seventh-round pick from the Browns because he spent a couple months with new OC Drew Petzing on the Browns in 2022. When i first saw the news the move made as much sense as Lou Dobbs does these days till I found out the Cards cut McCoy. I liked Colt but this is probably best for him because I don’t think his 37-year-old body would have lasted during the first four games against the Commanders, Giants, Cowboys, and 49ers, each team with at least few good pass-rushers. Let's all go down memory lane and recall that Colt McCoy has been getting knocked the fuck out since the days of Nebraska Ndamukong Suh and Steelers James Harrison. Let’s not subject him to anymore pain. Let the young pups absorb the misery for us Cardinals fans. But Josh Dobbs? Josh Dobbs sucks. Did anybody else watch that guy play for the Titans against the Jags last year. You didn’t? Well good for you, it was gross. It was Lou Dobbs having sex gross. I’m disturbed by all this. They’re really going to make us watch Josh Dobbs play quarterback and I really don’t want to watch Lou Dobbs bone—I mean Josh Dobbs throw.

I like new general manager Monti Ossenfort so far, even after trading away 2020 first round pick Isiah Simmons for a seventh-round pick since it was clear he wasn’t going to work out at safety after they tried moving him from linebacker. But then Monti took that seventh and traded it for Josh Dobbs who hasn’t been with the Cards all offseason and is now potentially in line to play four games for the Cards. That must have been one nasty tainted seventh round pick to have to get rid of it that fast. It really was as if Monti didn’t even wanted the pick so he threw it to the Browns for Josh Dobbs for some max insurance in case all of our other quarterbacks tear their ACLs on Bidwill’s sloppy grass at State Farm stadium. I guess someone’s got to start though right? Can’t go out into a professional football game and roll out Mr. Cortez in the 69 jersey.

Folks, this team will be brutal to watch this year. Like when you see Biden is on television and you think, hey, maybe I should listen to what the president has to say, this is important, right, I want to be a good citizen, but instead you find yourself squinting and cringing in discomfort and maybe I should call my grandma out in Vegas before she croaks. This team is not going to the playoffs and I don’t even think they’ll be competitive. The roster has been gutted for a rebuild. Our starting quarterback is coming back from a torn ACL and is out indefinitely. Deandre Hopkins, our top receiver, is gone. Our two best defensive linemen from last season, JJ Watt and Zach Allen, also gone. Our front-seven run defense will be bad. Our current haul from the first rounds from 2020-2022: Zaven Collins and Marquise Brown. We have one blue chip player in safety Budda Baker and it was reported that he wanted to be traded during the offseason. There simply is not much talent on this team. And Jon G, our new coach. No clue what to expect from him besides the fact that he fucks.

What do we want for the Cardinals in 2023? I want them to stink and get as high a draft pick as possible for the 2024 draft. The 2024 draft is the Cards priority. And yes, many in the media are clutching their pearls and accusing the Cardinals of tanking. Well they can bugger off, the top players coming out of college next year could be franchise changers. And remember, the Cards possess the Houston Texans first overall pick in 2024. The Texans are also predicted to be quite bad once again so we are looking at two top-five, top-ten picks in the 2024 draft. If you weren’t a Cards fan I would say stay away from watching the Texans but as a Cards fan I know for sure I’ll be checking on up them when the Cardinals are getting trounced at halftime and I got to make myself feel just a little better if only for a moment by seeing the Texans getting thrashed. Yes, the two teams I’m most occupied with this upcoming season are the Arizona Cardinals and Houston Texans. I’m going full on sicko mode this year folks, cue the music, Denny.

The 2023 Cardinals are going to be bad but their goal should be that. Monti needs to continue to gut this team. Trade Budda Baker for some good draft capital if some team is willing to pay a good price. If Monti is offered a first rounder for Budda, take it. Also, if our picks are high enough and we can draft a top quarterback, do it and trade Kyler Murray for draft capital and maybe even another player. Best outcome for this 2023 season? The Cards end up with the number one overall pick and another top ten pick and Kyler Murray looks good enough by the end of the year to boost his trade value. Trade the Cardinals, baby. What website did you think were on?

Reading the Cardinals 2023 depth chart at Quarterback

Around the League:

I will not cover every team in this address but the following are some of my top stories I see for the upcoming 2023.

AFC East Race:

Aaron Rodgers has risen out of the darkness and has joined the Jets. Hope is back in Gotham. The only fear is the O-line is bad and the rest of the AFC breaks old-man Rodger's back like Bane and Zach Wilson has to come back in except Wilson is no Robin and is more like the inherited shitty step-son who is not yet old enough to send off to the military academy. But I think Rodgers will do well, he does have four MVPs for a reason. The big problem is the division is loaded and there are no bad teams. The Bills should be good once again with Josh Allen and the Patriots still have Bill Belichick and this year Bill actually hired an offensive coordinator instead of last season where old Bill reached a hand under his ass and instead of pulling out some nuts and nicotine pouches from the couch pulled out Joe Judge and Matt Patricia. Keep your eye on Miami though. If Tua stays healthy I think the Dolphins can win the division with their impressive roster. In the offseason Tua said he has learned Taekwondo and he also got a sweet new arm tattoo. If there's any type of person who definitely doesn't get concussions, it's for sure the dude who know Taekwondo and has dope arm tattoos.

AFC Quarterbacks:

The AFC is loaded at quarterback. Patrick Mahomes, Joe Burrow, Josh Allen, Justin Herbert, Aaron Rodgers, Lamar Jackson, Trevor Lawrence. Might be too early to fit Lawrence in there but he's got the potential. Point is, there is a lot of studs throwing the ball in the AFC. Any games with these guys playing each other is must see. With Tom Brady finally retiring, the league will be just fine with all these young quarterbacks developing their own rivalries.

Weak NFC:

The NFC is wide open. The two unquestionable top teams right now are the Eagles and 49ers. The Eagles could suffer from a super bowl hangover and the 49ers have terrible injury luck and we still need to see a full season of Brock Purdy. Don't be surprised if Sam Darnold starts many games for the 49ers. After the Eagles and 49ers, who is there? Unless your team is complete dog crap like the Cardinals you probably can make a good argument for your team making a playoff run. Which mediocre quarterback will get to play in the Divisional Round this year and crumble? Last year we had Daniel Jones and Dak Prescott. Yes, the Cowboys theoretically should be good but the Cowboys really do seemed cursed for whatever reason.

Rookie QBs:

Three quarterbacks were taken among the top four picks of the draft and all are set to be the starting Week 1.

I’ll lead off with Anthony Richardson from Florida, taken fourth overall by the Indianapolis Colts. Richardson is by far the most interesting one to watch. Richardson’s athletic gifts are insane. He has an incredible arm but he is also a wildly erratic passer. Richardson is like when we gave the Taliban all those stinger missiles back in the 80s to fight the Soviets. Yeah, he makes some explosive plays for you but it also feels really dangerous and you don’t love yourself for the decisions you’ve made. You don’t want to be the guy twenty years later remembering about all those weapons you gave the Taliban. Richardson is the total opposite of Peyton Manning as well. No doubt those fans from the Land of Pence in the Hoosier State will be thinking where my country gone as they slurp down their corn syrup at the local Applebee’s watching their new rookie quarterback sail passes over receivers heads and recklessly hurtle dudes like 2012 RG3. I definitely recommend watching at least one or two Anthony Richardson games this year. Bryce Young, the first overall pick taken by our secret rival the Carolina Panthers. From my preseason recon I can see that he’s been getting hit a lot. They need to run a ball even if they stink at it. Too bad they don’t have Christian McCaffrey or D.J. Moore who they traded to the Bears in order to draft Young at one. Young is the surest bet to be a good starter in the NFL though. He was phenomenal in college and although small has tremendous poise, intelligence, and can make all the throws. I think he’ll be fine if they protect him. This is not a guy that can take body blows like Andrew Luck. I don’t think he’ll be much interest in watching his rookie year. I don’t expect the Panthers offense to be good this year with all the talent they’ve traded away. If I could give any advice to Bryce Young it would be the same advice I give my pets and children. Be safe. CJ Stroud, number two overall with the Texans. Again, not sure what receivers this guy has to work with other than old Bob Woods. My biased hope is he stinks this year. I hope this man absolutely sucks only because the Cardinals have the Texans first round pick in 2024. After that, I don’t care. It’s the Texans. The Houston Texans are the ultimate cucked team in the NFL. No one cares about the Texans. Texans don’t even care about the Texans. Houston had the Oilers taken away from them to Tennessee and Tennessee is now planning to play them this season in their very own old Houston Oilers uniforms. What the hell is that? That is a dick move, Tennessee. But back to Stroud. Do we think he’s going to be any better than Davis Mills in his rookie year? Maybe, surely better than the giant ass of Jeff Driskel, I’ll admit. But unlike Jeff Driskel, Stroud hasn’t show much of a running ability. Again, if you aint a Cardinals fan, do not watch the Texans.

Anthony Richardson’s Rocket Arm

College Football:

This is an organization dedicated to the Arizona Cardinals but we need talk about College football. College football has gone full Game of Thrones. With no overall leader or entity guiding the sport it has gone full capitalism with the conferences eating each other up for more television money during a realignment phase that has thrown out all care for regionalism.

Our beloved Pac12 is dead. Its teams scatter-shot across the country to the other conferences because the only entity that wanted to pay for their rights was Apple TV. In the Big 12 goes ASU and UofA to join the supped-up truck-stop conference that will be fun and competitive but nowhere near the scale of the Big Ten and SEC. The Big Ten took all the top football schools from the Pac12 and in 2024 is set to begin as a 18-team super conference raking in billions from NBC, CBS, and Fox. Meanwhile the SEC is full on eating their cake and having it too. With all the new NIL money and TV contracts, the SEC appears to be on the path of paying six-figure contracts to five-star recruits to beat the snot out of the good young men from Ball State and UT-Martin and paying that school millions of dollars to do so.

All of this could have been solved by stronger leaders seeing the future and implementing a larger 12 or 16 team playoff much sooner where the the huge pots of money from those games could have gone to the schools and been spread more evenly across the regional conferences. But alas, it's a free-for-all. True capitalism. which shouldn't surprise us, this is America after all. Do these schools need all this money? Hell no, but they are doing it so they believe they can compete at the highest levels and maintain exposure to recruits. A national leader or entity would have helped all this. Instead all the school leaders made self-interested decisions based on greed and survival and then sat up at press conferences bemoaning what was happening.

All of it has changed the college map into something like the Holy Roman Empire and it won’t be settled till the SEC and BigTen absorbs so much they simply consolidate their schools into something akin to the NFC and AFC with the NFL. Nevertheless, we are all addicted to football. It is not our national pastime rather our national opium. Like junkies we will go along with it. And for my money, I am fine with that. Let the lucky top schools play each other in their rich league and let the others play similar competition. We hoi polloi will be content huffin Coors and watching our teams play in whatever jacked-up nam-vet gerry-mandering dick-lookin conference map we now reside in. Just give us an expanded playoff system where we can at least say we had a fair shot to enter into the big-dick competition. That will be enough.

College Football Realignment 2024