RHULE FOR KINGSBURY. “THE PATH TO SUCCESS.” A MANIFESTO.

In week 6 the Cardinals fell to 2-4 losing to the Seahawks 19-9 where they failed to score an offensive touchdown and Kliff Kingsbury’s seat is now as hot and nasty as the port-of-potties outside Sun Devil stadium. The media and fans are screaming for the man’s head and families continue to pick on Kyler Murray for his height and lackluster production. We are on the precipice of the fall of the Triple-K era (Kyler, Kingsbury, Keim). In these late hours of Monday night the invisible winds are moving. At home Kyler sits back, relaxes, and locks himself into a well-earned game of death match, relieved that he got out of that study clause for his new contract. In his Scottsdale mansion, Kliff sits back and enjoys a nice lap dance from his latest score, a fine young biddy he picked up at The Mint who wants nothing else but to relieve her man of his stress. And then there’s GM Steve Keim, desperately trying to fight off the urge for a drink, scratching his forearms in sweaty panic as he peers over the highlights on his laptop of newly acquired wide receiver Robbie (formerly Roby) Anderson back from his college days at Temple University in 2016, his mind racing between “these Temple guys aint half bad,” and, “holy mother I need a drink I just traded a sixth and seventh for Robbie (formerly Roby) fucking Anderson.” The prospects are grim my friends, but there’s still hope. We here at your favorite website are combing through all the options to turn this sad-sack franchise around.

We have not had much luck in our trade proposals but as we are about to call it a night I have just received a message on my Cricket phone from one of our colleagues down in Mexico, a formerly licensed doctor and aspiring poet who works as a beat writer covering the Diablos Rojos of the Mexican Baseball League. For the purposes of this story and for his safety I will refer to him as X. Not two hours ago I received a long text from X, saying he has just ran into Matt Rhule in Oaxaca City. X is an old Cards fan himself and passed along the following message. “X: Hola! I am down here in Oaxaca City (Diablos just won their fifth straight!) and you’ll never believe it, I ran into Matt Rhule at a taco stand in front of one of the cafes where us poets get together. I did not know who he was at first, just saw some fellow American arguing with the locals in terrible Spanish. I calmed down the situation and helped get him back to his place. He was in rough shape. Very thin and leathered tan, wearing a grubby purple pancho that fits him poorly. I fear for his life, Jonah. He’s staying in a tiny moth-filled room with a broken toilet and a ceiling covered in mold. I asked him what he was doing and who he was and that’s when I found out he was Matt Rhule. I asked why he came down to Mexico. “I found this book of poetry at my neighbor’s garage sale after the Panthers fired me. It’s a collection published from a small literary circle located here in Oaxaca, about love and faith. I read it all one night and decided to come down here.” His eyes are wide and blood-shot as he speaks to me. “I just needed some new inspiration.” I myself have read the same collection of poems. It’s mostly about sex but poorly translated into English so I can see the mistakes in interpretation. I asked Rhule if he found any of the poets, most of whom disappeared over forty years ago, last heard to be somewhere in Paris. “No, I got stabbed the first night. Been holed up mostly in this AirBnB. Been watching a lot of those 30 for 30 sports documentaries.” I have not heard of these documentaries but perhaps you have. He also keeps telling me, “It took Jay-Z seven years to become an overnight sensation.” I then discovered he’s working on some kind of manifesto. “A new way,” he says. “‘The Path to Success’, I call it.” I read some of the manifesto and discover it is quite good, incredible in fact. Our fellow gringo has found something here in regard to football culture. I looked to him and told him it’s all very good and he asked me in reply, dead serious, eyes beaming, “What if I told you the road to the Super Bowl began in a moth infested room in Oaxaca City?” I did not understand what he meant by that, but I like his vibes, Jonah, seems like a hell of a ball coach. I am taking him to stay at my place and have promised to introduce him to some of the local poets. Please respond with what you think I should do with him. I think he could be great coach for the Cards. Adios Amigo. P.S. Have you got around to reading the latest poems I sent you? Also, will you go see the guy at the Cricket store in Mesa and tell him I’ll need some extra coverage in Veracruz? The Diablos are playing there all next week. P.P.S. “The sky, at sunset, looked like a carnivorous flower.” – Roberto Bolano.

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X has sparked a fascinating idea that we are diligently working on in our offices for proposal to owner Michael Bidwell. The Cards season is lost if nothing is done to change the trajectory they are on. We need a spark. We are looking down the barrel of another heinous Thursday Night Football game where the Cardinals will be the laughing stock of the nation in their first primetime game unless our gym rat Deandre Hopkins saves the day. We would like to see the Cardinals trade Kliff Kingsbury to the Panthers for Matt Rhule. A good old coach’s contract swap. We are pulling strings to see if we can connect owner David Tepper of the Panthers with Michael Bidwell. We are still on the fence about Keim. His panic trade for Robbie (Formerly Roby) Anderson has perplexed us. Has Keim heard from X already? There was a time not too long ago when X was hitting up the clubs often in Old Town Scottsdale before he had to leave the country. X also runs a smuggling operation for some of the finest authentic Mescal. Keim is a known former drinker as well. Why would Keim trade for a Temple player if he were not already thinking of Matt Rhule, former college coach of the Temple Owls, a small football program in Philadelphia that plays in the American Athletic Association of American Athletics (AAAAA)? But perhaps Keim also possesses some odd fetish for Temple players, he himself drafting linebacker Haasan Reddick out of Temple years ago. In any regards, Keim and Rhule would match heads on their Temple beliefs. A reformation of sorts. Matt Rhule certainly loves himself some Temple, filling 10% of his roster as quasi GM of the Panthers with former Temple players. While other professional football teams were loading up on studs from power SEC schools like Alabama and Georgia, Rhule has stuck to his Temple boys and washed up quarterbacks. And who else is quickly becoming a washed up quarterback than our very own short king Kyler Murray.

I know it is a crazy proposition but I cannot watch another anemic offensive performance from this Cardinals offense. The fans and the defense deserve better. That is why both the Cardinals and our secret rivals the Panthers should swap coaches. I liked handsome Kliff better than most but Scottsdale and fame has gotten the best of him. I’m sorry ladies of Instagram, but we got to think of our football team first. The Kliff era has passed it’s peak. We will always have that late October 2021 where the Cards were 7-0 and the clubs were popping with Kliff, Keim, and friends before losing to the hapless Lions, Colts, and Omnicron-Cam-Panthers.

Here are the winners and losers of this trade if it were to happen: Winners: Charlotte Night Life: Charlotte, imagine how hot your city would become with Kliff Kingsbury coaching your team. It is huge injection for local night club and restaturant owners. Was Matt Rhule pumping money into the local economy like hot young stud Kliff Kingsbury has done for the luxury businesses of Arizona? I doubt it. This move will bring in more taxes for Carolina.

Sam Darnold, Panthers Quarterback: Sam will benefit from Kliff once he comes back from injury. Perhaps all Kliff needed was a taller quarterback, someone with the height to see the mysterious and genius offensive routes that only Kliff could see after some post-sex clarity at 3am while watching the All-22 film. Sam could be the guy for this. Sam also got mono in New York, so Im guessing he goes out with the ladies too. He and Kliff would be awesome wingmen down in Charlotte.

“The Path to Success”, Matt Rhule’s latest Manifesto: X is working on faxing me a copy of the manifesto, so I haven’t read it yet, but at this point I am up for anything compared to this Cardinals team. The following is the only snippet X has given me of the twenty page manifesto. “Mecsal tastes like Mescal 24 hours a day! The Path to Success is not a brand, but a vibe.” What sort of football grandeur could come from a revitalized Matt Rhule Mescal-infused culture? I would love to know.

Temple: Bringing Matt Rhule back into the NFL is obviously a boon for former Temple players.

Baylor: Matt Rhule also coached at Baylor, after Temple. This could also be excellent for the proud Baylor Alumni (RG3 comeback?) Robbie (Formerly Roby) Anderson: Robbie (Formerly Roby) had a great rapport with his old Temple coach Rhule and we should see peak Robbie (Formerly Roby) with the Cards.

Losers:

Steve Wilks, current interim coach for the Panthers: This is tough. Steve Wilks was the coach for that 3-13 Josh Rosen Cards team in 2018 and was fired and replaced by Kliff after one year. Steve would indeed be double cucked by Kliff if this trade went down. Steve seems like a good guy, but does he pull? Kliff does.

Baker Mayfield: Baker is pretty much a worse version of Kyler Murray and that setup has already failed with Kliff. Baker should sit the bench, and unfortunately for Baker, this will be his second cucking by Kliff as well, Kliff having cucked Baker back at Texas Tech for playing Patrick Mahomes over him.

Steve Keim: Steve and Kliff are good buddies, known to have gone out to Scottsdale many a times and light up the club. Keim will miss his wingman.

Scottsdale: Sorry, Scottsdale, but you corrupted our handsome Kliff. I know you’ll miss his money and allure but we got to think of this franchise.

Concerns:

Matt Rhule: The concern here is Rhule very much seems like a Rocky Point guy. Will the money he makes merely go towards a nice condo or home down in Rocky Point? He easily seems like another middle-age white guy down in the old point who you find pounding White Russians beachside in a baggy tommy Bahamas shirt avoiding his kids and wife. Perhaps this is all Rhule wants to do. He is still owed $40 million on his contract. That’s a lot of White Russians. He could take that money down to Florida or Mexico and be a king. He is obviously in a chaotic state but remember what Littlefinger told the bald eunuch in GoT, “Chaos is a Ladder”. Littlefinger did end up getting his throat cut though so of course this is why Matt Rhule must be listed as a concern. We check our biases here and I owed it you readers to be upfront.

TRADE OF THE WEEK: MATT RHULE FOR KLIFF KINGSBURY.