Cardinals-Chiefs Week 1 - Optimism Shredded

I had hope. Could I explain my hope? No, not really. It was just a feeling. I hadn’t see anything bad yet, and hey, why be a sour puss loser with nothing before your eyes when you can imagine playoff runs and Superbowls and history made. “I’m optimistic,” I say. “You have hope?” They ask. “Why in the world do you hope?” “I don’t know. I think if it’s gonna happen, then this is the year.”

Well folks, it only took one half of football to know this does not appear to be the year for the Arizona Cardinals, the culmination of success for Kliff Kingsbury and Kyler Murray I had vaguely held hope for. Nope, not the year at all. The Chiefs skull dragged the Cardinals 44-21 in week one and somewhere along the trail of entrails the Chiefs Kingdom left behind there lies my optimism splattered and shredded with the buzzards pecking on. Or shall I say cardinals, for I found myself with a strange masochistic urge late in the game for Patrick Mahomes to simply keep throwing touchdowns and break whatever single game pass touchdown record there is. Well, perhaps the Cardinals can make history, I thought. Here on this day of our lord September eleventh of ado dominae two-thousand-twenty-two Sir Patrick MacHomes and his squire Sir Kelce stormed into the desert and pillaged the lowly Cardinal’s holy home ship StateFarm Stadium to the tune of nine touchdowns. Yes, I was hoping for that at one point. Does StateFarm provide insurance for the emotions I give to this shitty football team I root for? No? Are they a terrible name for a stadium? Absolutely, but that is a larger topic for another day on corporate sponsorship. I am digressing from the slaughter. Let us get back to that.

The Cardinals looked like a team from the MAC showing up week one to the Big House in Ann Arbor to get paid by a Power Five school to get its shit kicked in. Except we didn’t get paid (well Kyler did I suppose). We looked like the Ball State Cardinals going up against Ohio State. Hey, where's Ball State anyways? Who cares? Our uniforms sucked and our players looked athletically inferior. We were outclassed, outmatched. The Chiefs gashed us for chunk after chunk and not one of our incredible hybrid super athlete first round linebackers could do a damn thing to stop it. Perhaps we should go smaller. Our best players are our smallest. Our pro-bowl quarterback, small. Our All-Pro safety, Budda Baker, small. It’s as if the great Invisible Hand that put this team together wanted to see what would happen if we put the smallest, fastest guys on one team but every now and then the General Manager Steve Keim lost his faith and backed away from the holy call and now we all sit in the desert wearing nothing but sackcloth pouring ashes on our heads. But perhaps this is a reminder to have faith! Yea, hark yea, fellow Cardinals fans. Let us fast and repent this week. Let us remind ourselves that the Chiefs have been the best team in football these past four years. Let us not fret. Hey now, I saw those Raiders highlights and you know what, Derek Carr didn’t look too good. He aint no Mahomes. As long as the escorts and models of Las Vegas don’t distract handsome Kilff too much, and there’s no new maps released on Call of Duty this week for Kyler Murray to play, I like our chances. Fuck it, I still got hope. I am ready for battle again. Guts back intact. The NFC West doesn’t even look good, nor the NFC in general. Crazier things have happened. If it’s gonna happen, then this is the year!