Monti's Big Day: Cards nab wardaddy and Texan's 2024 first

The first round of the 2023 NFL Draft saw the Cards new GM Monti Ossenfort making a lot of trades, some good, some bad. it was Monti’s first slice at the draft pie and he was creaming all over the place with trades, quickly I might add. But this is the most important thing to take away. At the end of the day the Cards drafted top tackle Paris Johnson Jr. with the sixth overall pick and nabbed the Houston Texans first round pick in 2024.

I'll say it again. The Cards are getting the Houston Texans first round pick in 2024. Houston! Houston! The Houston Texans are dog shit at professional football. That pick could easily be a top-five, top-ten pick in the 2024 draft next year. The Houston Texans are an incredible team to me. They are the black sheep of Texas football. Observing the Texans these past few years is like tuning into the NFL’s version of Jerry Springer (RIP to the legend). They are a hot mess and yet the Texans could possibly have the draft of the decade. The Texans landed QB CJ Stroud at two and then in the trade with the Cardinals moved up to three and landed the top defensive player, All-American linebacker Will Anderson Jr. It’s totally possible the Texans franchise turns around with those two picks. But still, they are going to suck in 2024 and the Cards get their pick. Rookie QBs usually stink without help and who exactly is CJ Stroud going to throw to in his rookie campaign? I can’t name one Texans receiver. I had to look it up. Robert Woods is their number one receiver right now. Robert fucking Woods. I love me some Bob Woods but come on. Oh, I hope the Texans are atrocious next year. This is so much fun. We get to root against the crappy Texans next year. Every week I can root for some random team to beat the hapless Texans and boost the Cards draft spot. This trade is likely to be the biggest win for the 2023 Cards. Let’s say the Texans go 4-13. That’s 13 wins I’m chalking up to my Cards who could very likely go 4-13 as well with what some draft analysts are calling "arguably the worst roster in the league". Fun fact, the Texans and the Cards are tied for the lowest O/U win total for 2023 at 5.5. The 2024 draft could be legendary for the Cards.

Okay, I have talked too much on the Texans. It is petty, I know. The Cardinals suck nearly as much so there’s not many teams I can point to and say, ‘hey at least we’re better than them’. I say all this just as the Cards have left the stage for the first half of Jerry Springer and I sit back watching the Texans come on for the second half. Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry I blindly shout as I shield my conscience from the mess that Michael Bidwill and the Cards have clobbered together so far this offseason.

I guess Michael Bidwill is a huge dick (shocker) and now some lawyer from the NBA is settling allegations of workplace harassment a former font office executive made against Bidwill. Yikes. But more pertaining to the draft, within the first ten minutes we were dropped with the news that the Cards made a trade with Eagles to settle a tampering investigation in the hiring of new head coach Jonathon Gannon (Jon G). The Cards had to send pick 66 in exchange for pick 94 and a fifth-rounder in 2024. So basically we dropped thirty spots to get Jon G. Not terrible, but embarrassing.

I still don’t know what to make of Jon G. Does Jon G fuck? We’ve been asking since the hire but the biddies have been silent. If he does fuck he’s got a better burner than Bidwill. We think he’s got to fuck though if the Cards tampered to get him. Right? Has to. Jon G is the type of dude that exudes that cringey confidence where I could see he either fucks or biddies are creeped out by him. I’m going to say he fucks. Jon G fucks. Jon G fucks until proven otherwise. I have no games to go off with Jon G as head coach so for now he fucks. Jon G fucks. If you wanted to say Jon G does not fuck then you would say Jon G gives off little league coach vibes. There’s some good little league coaches out there, for sure, but really half the pool of youth coaches are fucking weird. Jon G’s first words to receiver Rondale Moore: “Explosions. Pew Pew Pew!” Now if that aint something a forty year old white man would say to the ten year old black kid from Maricopa who gets drafted onto the Padres, then you didn’t play little league.

Jon G unequivocally fucks but this isn’t about Jon G. It’s about new GM Monti Ossenfort getting off to a great start, trading for the Houston Texans 2024 first round pick while still getting the wardaddy that is tackle Paris Johnson Jr. at six to protect our short king Kyler. The only thing that would have made the night any better is if we got the draft broadcast to pan to Kyler at home celebrating the pick with some hot new girlfriend. That probably did happen with Kyler, but still, would have been cool to see it on my tv. Would have shut up some of the haters. Kyler fucks. Okay? Kyler fucks and Jon G fucks too. Go Cardinals!