Forget New Uniforms, The Cardinals Need a New Name

New Uniforms is the surest sign that your team has been struggling and that success is on the distant horizon. Uniform sales down during your disastrous 4-13 season? Time to call the designers. High turnover in the front and back office? Better get the sewing machines ready. Former Executive turned public whistleblower blasting the owner with scandalous allegations of cheating, abusive behavior, and fostering a workplace full of fear and intimidation? Better move that jersey release press event up to a night when the Diamondbacks play at home and The Suns take on the Clippers in the NBA playoffs. Yes, a typical Cardinals recipe for success. What could go wrong? What could go right?

You could practically hear the sewing machines warming up when Keim’s Absence began after the infamous Cup n Cut. Yet they waited for a popular Arizona sports night for this event.

The Cardinals new uniforms look like knock off Ohio State uniforms. Modeled after a team that knows how to succeed but designed by some recent college grads with no experience. “Hey what if we just used ChatGPT to define the details and parameters for what makes jerseys popular and then take that output and plug it into DALL-E2 to visualize the design?”

Of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck. I wouldn’t put it past bid low Bidwell to engage in this behavior. The Cardinals do not need new uniforms. No. What the Cardinals need is a new team name. One unique to the southern lifestyle and more representative of the team’s values and the product they put on the field. One that represents the impact that they have on their fans. To be fair, The Cardinals team name is loosely representative to their values in that they inherited old uniforms from The University of Chicago that were a shade of faded maroon. One man’s old maroon is another man’s cardinal red then owner reportedly said as he browsed his new haul. With that he decided to rename his football club to The Cardinals. While the Cardinals still have that knack for bringing in old washed assets whose best days are behind them on a different field, there is a better opportunity for a team name.

I have put some thought into this and I have decided that The Arizona Cardinals would be better off as The Arizona Rustlers. This may be my most unique trade opportunity yet but The Rustlers represent the state, the team, and the impact on the fans far more than The Cardinals ever could. What is a rustler some of you may be wondering? A rustler is someone who rounds up and steals cattle, horses, sheep, etc. Why do I think the Cardinals should change their team name to the Rustlers? For starters, It goes hard. Forget the Cowboys, The Rustlers are menacing. Forget the Texans, the rustlers are out to get you and yours. Hide your wins and hide your hides cuz were takin everything we can when we come to town. Not only do we steal wins from our opponents like the lightning in las Vegas last year, we also steal from our fans. Hope, money, time, those three hours on Sundays that we are consistently and ruthlessly optimistic for year over year. All stolen from us by our home team last year. There is no honor in a den of thieves.

When I think of the rustlers I am reminded of the great Pleasant Valley War that occurred from 1882-1892 nearby where The Cardinals currently play their home games. A silly feud started by accusations of rustling that lasted a decade and left near fifty dead if reports can be believed.

This is our history. And we should embrace it.

P.S. these new uniforms absolutely stink.