Cards swept up in Nightmare

The Cards are swept up in a nightmare and there is no light. In the closet lies fired O-line coach Sean Kugler and absent GM Steve Keim. You look in and are not sure who is who, a smooth goatee and wide grin spread like the Cheshire cat all that you behold. You shiver and turn and see Kliff Kingsbury’s thousand mile coked-out stare and dead eyes looking straight into you. He’s still thinking about those failed fourth-down calls. Catch the ball Marquise! And under the bed, the recent memories of two brutal and embarrassing primetime Monday Night Football losses that unfolded before the eyes of the nation and our great compadres south of the border. The 49ers running it down the Cardinals throats inside Mexico City and three weeks later back in Glendale quarterback Kyler Murray tearing his ACL on the third play of the game against the New England Patriots. Father Bidwell is off in the owner’s box with Katie Hobbs and the door is locked. No going to bed with them tonight, sweet child. You’re stuck. Hope is dim. Injuries are rampant. Our receivers are dropping balls and people are being groped. By whom, who knows?

Breathe.

Breathe.

Pass the Dortchie ‘pon the left hand side.

Breathe.

We will get through this. We’ve been through worse in this insufferable desert of success that is Arizona sports. All of our focus has been taken off our investigation into John Elway and back into the Cardinals. As we have investigated corruption around the league we forgot to check upon our own house. There is mold everywhere. The garbage disposal is broken and the kitchen lays flooded in the filth that is the fourth year of the Triple-K era that has gushed forth from the shitty plumbing commissioned by landlord Michael Bidwell. Call in the motherfucking maintenance guys, Denny. Yessir. Our intern is out of the hospital and we immediately sent him down to Mexico City alone while back at headquarters we have fervently scrambled to put the pieces together from our contacts in Mexico. I must admit, we are in the Cloud of Unknowing. The picture is murky but such is the path of revelation for it is only within the experience into one’s own soul that the Godhead is reached and one finds themselves before the rotten core of the world.

Whose great idea was it put the Cardinals on Monday Night Football twice in four weeks? You can just hear the frustration in Troy Aikman’s voice as he bitches to his partner Joe Buck. The Cardinals are haunted by Monday Night Football. The glorious Dennis Green meltdown in 2006 after losing 25-24 to the Bears. The Bears are who we thought they were! Quarterback Derek Anderson being called out by the media in 2010 for laughing with his teammate on the sidelines as the Cardinals lost 27-6 to the 49ers. You think this is funny I take this shit serious! And of course the stupid Monday Night Wildcard Playoff game against the Rams last season. A total disaster start to finish where the offense went backwards and the Cards lost 34-11. Fuck you, ESPN. These last two Monday Night Football games add to the long list of pain. The 49ers pummeling the Cards 38-10. The Cards imploding against the Patriots 27-13. It was a double tap to the 2022 season. The zombie brains of the Triple-K era are officially blown out and somewhere Michael Bidwell is scrambling over his plane like Jackie Kennedy over JFK’s Lincoln Continental trying to grab the shards of skull so the doctors can put it all back together. She really did love that man. If Bidwell loves the Cardinals, he’ll leave the skull and move on. But there will be no crappy Warren Commission here. We are going to find out what really happened.

More to come as we dig deeper into our investigations into what is going on with the Cardinals and how to escape this nightmare. Stay tuned.