Cardinals-Panthers Week 4 - Cards beat their secret rivals

I hate when the Cardinals play the Panthers. So many terrible games that we’ve all buried from our memories to only arise again when we see the schedule release and think oh gross we’re playing the Panthers again. Each pained fanbase likely feels the same, unexcited but also counting the matchup with the other shitty franchise as a win. But a secret rivalry exists between these two teams. A rivalry no one wants to talk about. But I want to talk about it. So many miserable games. So many forgotten quarterbacks. Here’s a sample of the quarterbacks we’ve witnessed in the past dozen years in this sordid rivalry. Kyle Allen, Teddy Two Gloves, Post-Prime-Post-Patriot-Peak-Covid-Pre-Omnicrom-Cam-Newton, Jake Delhomme, Kevin Kolb, and of course, Ryan Fucking Lindley. The NFL schedule makers have bred these abominations and left them in the dumpster after the yearly Prom for Fox to pick up, hide from the rest of the country, and dispose of before the eyes of the good peoples of Arizona and Carolina.

Unfortunately for the rest of country they were forced to stomach the sight of this rivalry the three times these teams have met in the playoffs. Since 2000, the Cardinals have made the playoffs in five seasons. I know, terrible, but even more terrible, three of those five seasons they have played the Panthers. The fucking Panthers. In the 2008 divisional game we watched Jake Delhomme commit six turnover as the Cards won 33-13 en route to the Super Bowl. In the 2014 wildcard playoffs we were forced to root for third string QB Ryan Lindley who led the Cards offense to an putrid outing of 78 total yards in a 27-16 loss to a 7-8-1 Panthers squad that won an abysmal NFC South. A year later, in the 2015 NFC Championship the Cards set a franchise best record of 13-3 before running into the Panthers who ripped them 44-19, the buzz-saw that was MVP Cam throwing to forgotten nobodies like Fozzy Whitaker and Philly Brown while Carson Palmer exploded like a dying star committing six turnovers. This is the awful history of the Cardinals-Panthers. The games always suck but we faithful always watch, and as it always does, it disappoints.

In this edition of the rivalry the Cards broke a six-game losing streak to the Panthers with a 26-16 win which might as well near be the final nail in the coffin for Panthers coach Matt Rhule and soon to be journey-man quarterback Baker Mayfield. How Baker Mayfield has fallen from the storied heights of the Red River Rivalry and Bedlam to being another washed QB mired in the cesspool of Cardinals-Panthers.

The game started off familiar both historically and current. The Cardinals offense sucked and the game was ugly. I mean, really ugly. The Cardinals moved the ball a bit but several terrible fourth and short conversions ended in disaster. You thought a jet-sweep with Rondale Moore and a speed option with Kyler Murray under center was bad? Oh, well how about we just hike the ball over Kyler’s head on fourth and inches. The viewers were offered some empathy though for the center Rodney Hudson as they scanned to his face on the sideline after the mishap. “And there’s Rodney looking miserable, Joe. You can just tell he’s pissed about the play. You can also tell he's wishing his quarterback was six inches taller because then the snap might have been fine and it would never have gone over his head and he never would have to be playing in this shit afternoon game in Charlotte.”

The Cards are clearly a second half team though and put together some great drives coupled with a great defensive effort and Baker being too short himself, many of his passes being swatted down. Handsome Kliff came out with a sexy black wind jacket that an IG model gave him a discount for after he took her out for a nice seafood dinner and the Cards were able to find the endzone three times as Kyler ran around and threw some nice balls to Marquise Brown. I'm thinking that GM Steve Keim should just go the Rams route and further commit to trading first round picks since he sucks at drafting in the first round anyways.

It was a great win for the players. You could tell both the Panthers and Cardinals players hated playing in the game as much as we hated watching it and that winning it meant more than it should. It was a great win for Kyler too. Our short king is being much maligned as of late. I was fortunate to watch the game with family and friends and oh lordy the entire state of Arizona is picking on Kyler for his height. I did not realize it had gotten so bad. “Look at his little legs go!” “Why does he never go under center?” “Because he’s too short.” “Shoot he might be able to literally get the first down by going under the center.” “How tall is he anyways?” “Five-foot nothin.” Whole generations of families are picking on Kyler. Let’s recall the names of the quarterbacks I mentioned earlier that have played in this terrible Cards-Panthers rivalry and be thankful that at least we don’t have to watch any of them anymore.

And lastly, a new segment for me. Trades of the week. I will cover some trades I would like to see happen after some observations across the NFL and country.

TRADES OF THE WEEK: The Panthers QB Room. Daniel Jones, Justin Fields, or Jordan Love all look like excellent options for a 2023 Panthers squad led by an incumbent Matt Rhule. Retired players announcing on social media the large bets they have made on their former teams. I like Dez Bryant announcing he’s placing 10K on his Cowboys and that he’s “smoking that Commander’s pack.” If ever I was to personally smoke on a Panthers pack I’m sure I’d choke on my blood and observe my liver spill forth from my mouth. Where’s our guy Darnell Dockett at? He seems like an excellent option for us Cardinals fans for this sort of fun.

The NFL Concussion Protocol. I’m beginning to believe having any mom up there in the booth watching the game would do a better job at protecting players. I mean, sheesh, how much debt and years of schooling did that Miami concussion doctor go through to not be able to identify what every distracted mom on Facebook could see concerning Tua Tagovailoa? If no moms are interested, we are ready to drive down to the local Mexico Pharmacy and buy a doctor for $20 along with however many pills that $10 can afford because who needs socialism when you have Mexico. Please email any pill requests with subject line PILLS so we may organize all requests in an orderly manner.