Back in Black. Saint’s Red Rifle Misfires as Cards Soar

The Cards donned their slick new all-black uniforms and pulled out a season-saving 42-34 win over the New Orleans Saints on Thursday Night Football. We are back baby. Back in black. Suck it haters. It’s been a big weekend for Old Town as all the biddies have turned out to the clubs as Kliff and Keim have been popping bottles for saving their jobs yet again. The party is not dead. No, not at all. The sky is the limit. Don’t let the haters tell you that the Cards were outgained on offense by the Saints or that we only won because Andy Dalton threw two pick-sixes or that Kliff was still terrible in his red-zone play calling or that Kyler barked at Kliff like a pissy kitten on the sidelines for his red-zone panic attacks. Nope, no drama here. We are back. We won a prime time game. The country is still not truly aware of how bad we are. Fake it till you make it. The season is still alive. These are the wins us Arizona fans must enjoy.

Perhaps we enjoyed the win too much though. I am currently writing these words on the end of a two day bender as I listen to the new Taylor Swift album (which I'll address later). I didn’t expect any of this to happen. I expected to Cardinals to lose. I didn’t even expect to watch the game as I had to take my online exam for entry into the Mexican Doctors Alliance which was scheduled for kickoff but upon meeting the proctor for my exam I was asked my vaccination status whereupon I discovered I had incorrectly signed up for certification into the World Doctors Alliance, an independent organization of anti-vaccine activists and Covid-19 sceptics. Fortunately my proctor was kind enough to help me reschedule the correct exam, relating that I was correct to visit www.xxxGlobalDoctorsWithoutBordersAndOrCertificationxxx.com, but that for my ethnicity I had incorrectly chosen, "Non-Hispanic", instead of, "White Alone, Not Hispanic or Latino", which, concordantly, vis-à-vis, relayed me down the wrong path for scheduling my certification to practice medicine south of the Rio Grande. I digress though, and I apologize. I just wanted to throw that out there to help anyone else who may have made the same mistake as it was a real pain to correct. In any regard, with the test not a worry, I flipped to Amazon to watch the Cards.

I watched the first quarter of the Cards with subtitles believing it part of the new TNF experience before I realized I myself had put on subtitles while watching Amazon’s fantasy series Rings of Power for I have no clue what mythical elvish references the show makes lest I can can compare text to the Silmarillion. I next discovered I could watch the game with stat vision or with Spanish telecast but to my disappointment not at the same time and all the while as I figured out this new TNF experience I found myself thinking, “Andy Dalton lowkey a good looking guy,” and, “shoot Andy Dalton carving us up”. And then it happened. Andy Dalton imploded and after ten years in the NFL and stints on multiple teams, Andy transitioned into his final form, Jameis Winston. With two minutes remaining in the second half and the game tied 14-14, Andy threw back-to-back pick-sixes and the Cards soared to a 28-14 halftime lead, cornerback Marco Wilson literally soaring into the endzone as he returned his interception across the goal line. The game was in good hands after that. The Cards offense came out in the second half and put up enough points to stymy any Saints comeback, backup running back Eno Benjamin doing a damn fine job toting the rock and Deandre Hopkins (Not Hopins) returning from the gym with a smooth ten catches for 103 yards. And as the dust settled, as Kliff and Keim shared texts of which club they should hit up, as Kyler texted his pale pals in Stockholm and State College that he was still game for their 2 am EST Call of Duty party, poor Andy Dalton walked off the field with a glorious stat-line of 361 yards passing, 4 tds, and 3 ints, numbers that only prime Jameis Winston could produce. “Who needs 2019 Jameis Winston when you have 2022 Andy Dalton?” The good people of New Orleans must be asking themselves as they pour yet another Sazerac and chase the pain away with a swig of Abita.

With the win in the bag, I went to the computer to jot down my thoughts but while organizing my research I received a call from one my fellow colleagues here at TradeTheCardinals who attended the game in person. He said he was being offered a ride from the game by none other than former Diamondbacks first baseman and World Series champion Mark Grace. I asked if Gracey had been drinking which I received no answer in return but rather that they were headed out to the Casino and so I made the mistake many a man has made and drove out to Vee Quiva to do a little gambling when I should have been listening to Taylor Swift and making love to my woman. Regrettable things have admittedly transpired in the days since that I shall not repeat out of respect for my journalist integrity but rest assured all involved are safe and sober now and as I type these words Gracey and former Friends star Matthew Perry are sleeping soundly on my sofa as I listen to the new Taylor Swift album. Go Cardinals. We're back! TRADES OF THE WEEK: Colin Cowherd: Colin recently was seen on his Fox show, The Herd, throwing out the idea of a trade between the Cardinals and Broncos to swap Kyler Murray for Russel Wilson. I used to be good friends with Colin before he started drinking too much red wine and falling in with the Los Angeles party scene and talking too much with the vapid biddies out there in sunny Hollywood. Colin is a smart guy with good intentions but this is a terrible trade. Fantasy owners are likely to start no-name backup quarterbacks Bailey Zappe and Taylor Heineken rather than pickup Russell Wilson to play for their fantasy team. I do respect Colin though, and if Fox ever tires of him, wishing to go full-send with further sets of greasy loud-moths or beautiful young biddies on their programs (which I fully support), we here would be happy to trade for Colin's contract. With a little guidance, Colin would do great in our organization. Christian McCaffrey: The Cards NFC West rival Forty-Niners recently made a blockbuster trade for All-Pro running back Christian McCaffrey (CMC), sending multiple picks to our secret rival Panthers to acquire him (yet another reason the Panthers are our secret rivals). CMC is an incredible player and at first glance this a terrifying situation for the Cards as they still have two games on the schedule against the Niners. The Niners have terrible injury luck though and are very prone to attacks from Voodoo and Witch Doctors. Fortunately for us, our friends Mark Grace and actor Matthew Perry are well acquainted with peoples heavily involved in such dark arts within both the Louisiana Delta and the Sierra Madres of Chihuahua. Gracey and Perry informed us that if we can pull together $3,000 then we can wire the amount to an offshore account in Panama which could then be relayed to the witch doctor who upon the next full moon can perform the blood ceremony to put a curse on CMC. This is great news as the next full moon is the Beaver Moon, Nov-8, and the Cards do not play their first game against the Niners till Nov-21. In full honesty Gracey and Perry did give us this information early in the midst of the forty-eight-hour bender we are just recovering from and we have already placed many bets to come up with the required $3000 the witch doctor requests. Unfortunately, Perry got suspended from the black jack tables after arguing with the cocktail waitress in regards to his drinks being too weak and Gracey passed out drunk in his truck after giving his college football picks which went a putrid 2-10 and has put us down -$2220 from the original $900 we pooled together on the onset of our plan to purchase the witch doctor's curse. Seeing we are in a tight spot, please email us with subject VOODOO if you know of a cheaper witch doctor or bruja whose services we can purchase to curse Christian McCaffrey. The NFC West is wide open this year and if the Cardinals can go the purple palace in Minneapolis next week and upset the Vikings to get to 4-4 the playoffs are very much still in play. Any curses on rival teams' All-Pro players will go far in extending our hopes to get the Cardinals to the Super Bowl.